I always look a the first of the month as an opportunity to change something, whether about myself or the world as a whole. I suppose that is just the way my brain works. I spent the end of the evening yesterday cataloging everything wrong with me, so I have an ample data set to work with.
I suppose the gym is always at the top of the list. I mean, I am not a small human person and while not hating what I look like as much as I used to, there is definite room for improvement to be sure. I am aware that being as tall as I am and with the frame I have, weighing in at the weight of a small bird is not only silly but potentially dangerous. There is a reason that all the pictures from the Dark Days have been destroyed and no one can see what I looked like when I was at my lowest point.
Weight and I have always had hate you, fuck you relationship with one another. I am sure there is a glandular thing going on, but most of it stems from me having to eat my feelings. Huzzah for dysfunctional parents, siblings, extended family, and a broken California Child Protective Services office. Those stories have already been told over and over though. They are no less important now than they were then, it is just not the most pleasant thing, retelling certain parts of that story is all.
One of the other things I want to do is see my people. I am not a social person on a good day and it has been a very long stream of not good days. Yes, life and migraines and kids and sad and memories happen, I just need to find a way to reign them in and see some of the people in the world who make me genuinely happy to be alive. What’s the point without them, you know?
For now, though, I will check the things I check every morning, have a Salted Caramel coffee from Wegmans, watch the Ducks do Duck things and wake up my brain and try not to remember how comfortable my bed felt when I forced myself to get out of it this morning. Then I will go to the gym and pick up the heavy things and put them back down, then adult things and then, well, we shall see what we shall see.
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