Kick The Bucket

There are so many things left for me to do. So many things need to be done. Not because of a moral obligation, a promise to love gone or even a compulsion from a dark place. No, I have things left to do because I want to do these things. I have always wanted to do these things and, until they are done, I suppose I can’t file away my life as complete. I am well aware of the near impossibility of these things, but the brain doesn’t care for such trivialities such as fiscal responsibility and terror. So, since today seems to be a list kind of day, I want to share what I suppose is a bucket list, although it has some very not bucket like things on them as you may notice. Plus, some of these are not going to make sense unless you know the stories behind them all.

Again, with no further ado.

  • I need to go back there to see if the moon is really that bright.
  • Walk in Calaveras Big Trees and simply lookup.
  • Go back to Tommy’s across the street from the brewery and get a chili dog the way they are supposed to be.
  • Go back to Van Nuys and Balboa and see if it makes it better.
  • Swim in the Pacific and let it was the dreams away, take the memories away, forget me and help me forget.
  • Go up to Lodi, pay my respects to all of them.
  • See the Painted Desert, Petrified Forest, and the Grand Canyon when it isn’t pitch black and pointless.
  • Go back to Olathe and see if I can remember why it was so important to me.
  • No, not Medicine Lodge, no matter how much it wants me to come back.
  • Tell her I’m sorry.
  • Tell them I’m not.
  • Go see the family heart in Ireland.
  • Iceland, because of Iceland.
  • Montreal to remember: Ste.-Catherines to laugh, President-Kennedy to cry, Old Port to smile, Notre Dame to beg

The biggest though, the one I am nearly ashamed that I haven’t actually done, is the book. I have written a “book” before I suppose, a novella if anything, and I am not satisfied with the feeling it left me with, so now I have to go and actually write one. I don’t know how, not yet, but it is a thing that is the fire in the dark. It is what keeps me so close to so many things. I write stories and essays and even poems, but when I sit down to make it happen, it all leaves me and I feel it ebbing and I cry a bunch, all the time really.

Now, back to the rest of the things.

  • Get to Camp, I mean, everyone really tells me I would love it there.
  • Show Her I am sorry, that I was stupid, and that it will never happen again.
  • Read These
  • And These
  • These Too
  • Finally These
  • Yes, even if they overlap you read.
  • Yes, even if you already have. In fact especially if you already have.
  • New Orleans – For Dove
  • Orlando – Ducks
  • Try to be what I need to be for the people I love.

That there, the last on this list that I could right until the end of time, that is the hardest. I get accused, rightly, of being extra. Doing all the things when I don’t have to. I don’t know how to be any other way, and I am pretty sure I don’t want to.

So, to You, my Tribe, my People, I say this:

Each and every day I will endeavor to be the best version of me I can be. Authentic and vulnerable. I will fail, but I promise to fail as rarely as I can.


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