I am sick and tired of being sick and tired guys. Migraines and Depression, Anxiety and Neuroses up the proverbial ass.
So I am simply not going to be those things anymore. I am not naive enough to believe that this is an easy thing, or that it will be an instant thing.
However, as the people I love the most tell me frequently, I can’t pour from an empty cup. My sweet, wonderful Gentle Readers, I have no idea where my fucking cup is. I couldn’t tell you how much is in it, I couldn’t tell you the last time it had anything in it. So I am going to do the ONE thing I don’t do.
I am going to take care of my fucking self for once. I am going to focus on every goddamn breath if I have to until I get to a place where I can feel genuine happiness and not some weird guilt based fakery. I want to smile and have it hurt because the muscles are tight, nit because I am faking it for so long I want to slit my fucking soul in half. I am going to get myself, in mind and body and soul, in shape. It is the way it is going to be and I am sorry that some of you already are hurt by this choice.
There is a limit that we all have on how many spoons we are capable of losing in a lifetime and I am there.
I spoke to a sweet and spiritual soul last night and without realizing what she did, she laid my fears to rest over my need to do this. She took my heart for a moment in my most broken state and gave it back to me and it felt warm again. A hint of it, a shadow of what it will be, but dammit it is there.
So there are going to be some changes, and I am not going to list them all here because not only do I not have to do this, I am under no obligation to. I am instead going to go and do the HARD work of making myself right again. I am not disappearing. I am still going to post my Ducks, memes, social activism posts, but there is always this in the back on my mind and heart.
If you do not like this. If you cannot accept that I need to go and do the things I need to do to make myself better…
The Door Is Fucking Open
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