One person can make an eternity in your heart seem like an instant, and a moment of their time seems like forever. You can love them in so many ways, as they can love you. Each soul is unique and gifts you with a part of their spirit that they can never get back once they give it to you, it is a precious treasure that should be guarded and protected in every single way imaginable. If you, or they, end the love as it was when it began, that does not negate the gift they gave you, the lessons they taught you, the things that you will forever remember about them because they alone gave it to you and no one else had such a power as they did, and no one ever will.
I was taught patience. She was always so very enthusiastic, for good or for ill, and I had to learn to be patient and wait for her to come to see the truth of a thing, or to wait her out while she did the thing regardless. She grew, withered, and repeated that cycle in front of my very eyes for years while I was patient, waiting, so very sure it would become what we always dreamed it would. Just because it did not, does not mean that the lesson learned is invalid.
I was taught that sometimes what you see is exactly what you get. There were so many lessons with her, but that is the one I will remember always as being singular to her. I wanted to not believe things, I wanted to see past what others saw, however, sometimes there is nothing but the smoke and the mirrors and the person behind the curtain playing every trick they can imagine to get you to see them as they want you to see them, not to see them for what they are.
I was taught that fantasies should sometimes stay as far away from you as possible. It was such a perfect setup, everything was going to be a Utopian dream and all I had to do was give away my soul on the dotted line. So I did, and then when I got there there was not Utopia, there was no anything other than confusion and a very quickly purchased bus ticket home with my tail tucked firmly between my legs.
I was taught the very essence of true love. She looked at me and saw her Jamey, her Bear, her Mr. Tall Man. I looked at her and saw the forever we had planned together and the eternity that we would have after that. Sickness and health, rich and poor, everything and anything, I learned how to be a better father, friend, lover, fighter, man, person, human. All of that and a thousand times more.
I was taught that words, even single words, have vast powers to destroy. A misplaced letter on a single word ended what truly was a Utopian landscape and started what would eventually become a hellish ride as fast as reality could take me back to places I never thought I would be again.
I was taught that I sometimes do not see the best things even when they are standing in front of me. I was so busy being idiotic and distant that I didn’t see the absolute devastation I was wreaking on a soul that deserved every opposite of that. I needed to be there for her and I wasn’t. I failed her utterly and her love still comforts me in the dark as her forgiveness is a blanket.
I was taught that there is an eternity, a forever, in the eyes of a single human being. They say they are the windows to the soul, but what happens when that window is opened is what she taught me what happens when the very universe tells you that you are loved and you know the truth of the words because the universe is vast and everything and a single eye contained it.
I was taught that I need to not enter into relationships while drunk. This is self-explanatory and I will give no more lip service to her.
I was taught that distance and absence do not always, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it grows into a snarling and wounded thing and hurts because it is the only response it has ever known.
I was taught that there is redemption. There is redemption for all things if you know where t look for it, and in whom you choose to cast your glance upon.
So many lessons, and more from others that I will not share. There are dozens of moments that have taught me that life is both cruel and magnificent, divine and demonic, sublime and sub-par. I can never share all of them, nor would I want to, but each moment we learn and take away a thing from a person we make ourselves and hopefully the teacher, better for the act.
This did not go as I thought it would as I started it and I am sure you can see the slide and where it began and, well, with whom if you know me pretty well. Sometimes it has to be a way, even if you think it should be another.
© 2019, TheJameyBear. All rights reserved.
I am JameyBear. Liberal. Hippie. Dad. Widower. Poet. Author. Sarcastic Ass. Friend. Lover. Hater.
I have lied and cheated, stolen and done violence in word and deed.
I have given the shirt off my back and they wanted the skin underneath instead.
I am a notorious soft touch, wearing my heart on my sleeve and wanting to make everyone happy.
I tip too much, too often, too many places, and it is has burned me even as recent as this week.
I love everyone I have ever hated still. I will always love the memory of being in love with them.
I want to be your friend. No. I want you to want me to be your friend.
I am clingy and needy, dependent and hopelessly lost in times that I will never live in.
I use language that was archaic when archaic was a new word in the early 19th century.
I want to record myself reading everything so people won’t forget me when I disappear.
I talk too much, listen too deeply, process too quickly and infer way too much.
My beard is also better than yours