As a delightful aside to this particular literary masterpiece, not only could I not sleep the remainder of the evening, but just as I was about to come downstairs for the day, a screaming child was thrust upon me and I sat in my room additional hours comforting him.

So at least tonight when I say it’s the middle of the night, it really is the middle of the night. It’s not a stretched-out metaphor or anything like that, it’s literally three in the fucking morning and I’m lying here wondering why I am awake.

I take a handful of pills every night. Some of them are for depression, some of them for anxiety, some for seizures, most for migraines, one thing they all, theoretically, have in common, is that they all cause drowsiness.

Now I know that after a while things like that don’t work the way that they did at the beginning. Your body acclimates and all. Tonight, however, I took these little anti-nausea pills that I have. They give them to end-stage chemotherapy patients to help them. Palliative care if anything, but it’s supposed to not only stop violent nausea, which it doesn’t for me, it’s also supposed to essentially put them in a quasi-coma so they don’t feel the pain of cancer and the chemo ravaging their body.

I took those pills about half-past eight tonight. And then I took some more of certain things at about half-past twelve, and now I’m lying here, with a headache I might add, so awake that I’m thinking about going downstairs and seeing if there are any dishes that I can do.

Yeah, me, doing dishes. You know I’m fucked up.

Instead of doing something productive, I decided to lie on my bed and talk into my phone and hopefully, not only bore myself to sleep, but a assist any of you who might need some sleep in the days and weeks to come with a few tips that I’ve picked up over the years that, in theory, work on people who don’t have constant insomnia and just need a little kick every now and again to help them get to sleep.

Now we all know that they say that blue light is bad for you and you shouldn’t have a lot of screen time before bed. You should get yourself into a routine every night so your body gets used to going to sleep. Don’t eat too late at night, all of the normal things.

I am here report that all of these things are absolute and total bullshit. There’s probably scientific evidence for all of them obviously, but they don’t really affect anything at all. Shit, if nothing else, eating a big meal at least helps to get me to sleep and gives me a couple of hours before I wake up with rancid heartburn.

So here’s a few tricks from the Bear that I guarantee will help you occasional insomniacs get to sleep.


First, dark. I’m not talking about turn off the lights. I am talking about making it tomb dark wherever you sleep. No phones, no clocks, no outside light.

I sleep in a room with blackout curtains on the window from when I worked overnights, light doesn’t really get in through my bedroom door.

I have a sound machine that is as loud as I can make it so I can’t hear anything but static.

For most people, maybe minus the sound machine, the dark will assist them in falling asleep because you will literally bore yourself to sleep.

A second tip that I find helpful for all of you every now and again night owls is that if you’re up at say two, maybe three in the morning, don’t try to fucking go to sleep if you have to wake up at four as I do. You will wake up more tired than you would have been if you just stayed up. So lean back, get a book, pick up a tablet, go to town and relax. If your brain didn’t want you to be awake, you’d be the fuck asleep.

Yeah, those are really shitty ideas, but if you read what the fuck this post was called you know that I’m not exactly in the best frame of mind and don’t have the ability to give you some bullet points and shit.

You’re lucky I didn’t swear more than I already did. I mean shit, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Up in a few hours no matter what, my brains just up that early anyway. I’ll sit downstairs, put the thing that you’re reading right now on the internet, then listen to the same song, love you Vin Jay, for hours until people wake up, and then the day will begin and at some point, I think there’s college basketball on.

So that’s my pep talk for the day. I’m going to go eat food maybe? Maybe drink a whole bunch of water and hope that does something? Maybe I’ll take a ball-peen hammer to the side of my motherfucking head and see how hard I can hit myself before I fall asleep then.

Fuck this I’m out.

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