You can do a lot of things if you just try. I’m not even talking about hard things, hard things take a little bit more than effort no matter what anybody says. What I’m talking about is things like flipping the page on a book or pressing the button to change the channel when you’re watching a movie that sucks, or, in my case, turning off an entire group of people.
As some of you may or may not know for the last year or so I have been slowly and steadily trying to get rid of all the toxic people in my life. I have had mostly success in this field, with the exception of people who, for one reason or another, will not go. I’m not talking about people I associate with, no I got rid of that part, they won’t leave me alone. However I’m assuming that after a while if I ignore them long enough, they will know go away and bother somebody else. If not, let them talk to the dead air that I’m giving them.
What I didn’t realize when I started this entire endeavor that will no doubt alter huge landscapes of my life, I had no idea how incredibly hard it is to do this. I’m not talking about the emotional toil which is something that I had mulled over for months before I even considered this particular line of action.
No, what I’m talking about is the literal cleansing of these people from your life. Removing them from friends lists, making sure they can’t see this, making sure they can’t see that, deleting profiles, blocking them from things. Even then, that’s just all the things that you have control over. There’s other things that you have absolutely no control over that you just have to accept that they’re going to see and if they want to do, make public comment on. I think it sucks, however I didn’t design the internet, if I did, it would have way less cats and way more boobs. Plus, no, I won’t apologize for that. It’s a statement of fact, accept this about me or you know how to leave.
It was this very evening (when this was originally composed) that the great and glorious MamaFrog said the exact right thing at the exact right time and everything clicked. Now, I am assuming that you want to know what clicked, that is the fundamental basis of human curiosity after all, wanting to know the thing that somebody said right before that.
They know where the door is, they don’t have to watch, they don’t have to look, they don’t have to read what I write, listen to what I say, look at pictures of my kids, anything or everything I do is for me.
Fuck them if there is a problem that they have with me. Yes, I am pointing out some real specific motherfucking people as I am saying this shit right now. Am I going to name him here? I actually haven’t made up my mind yet and if you see their name before the end of the post, you’ll know which way I made up my mind. If not, I suppose I decided the other fucking way didn’t I?
I spend way too much time analyzing what other people are going to think about the things that I do. I spend way too much time talking to the wrong people about things that I should be talking to the right people about. I have a fundamentally perfect group of friends that have helped me literally not kill myself, and yet I still listen to people who wouldn’t give me the time of day of their entire body with a glowing radium fucking watch.
As some of you may or may not know, I had an incredibly close person to me pass away this past weekend and it has made me delve into a dark place in myself. I thankfully did not lose any of my babies, or any of my people, but I lost somebody that I held moments after they were delivered into this world. I lost somebody that I love as much as a father can love a child that is not theirs. I lost this brilliant young light and all I can do is live with the memories of her now. Plus, I can live for her, and I can live hoping that I can make her proud of me in some way. Not because she needs to be, but because I greatly admired this young person’s personal strengths. To know that she is looking on me in a joyous way would give my heart such cheers to make me scream from hills and mountains yet undiscovered.
So as I finally finish this thing that I’m screaming into my phone at 20 minutes after 9 on a Wednesday night at the beginning of Christmas season, I want all of you to listen real fucking good to me for a second.
If I tell you I love you, it means that I love you with everything I am. It is a no-holds-barred thing. I love you, I will fight for you, I will take a bullet in the fucking soul for you. I trust you around my children, I trust you in my home, I’ll get drunk with you, you can get drunk and be naked and all I’ll do is put a goddamn blanket on you and watch over you like the bear I am to make sure that nobody touches you.
However, if you notice that I’m becoming more and more distant, what I want you to do is two things right away. First, grow a pair, I don’t care what gender you are we all have a pair of something, and ask me what the fuck is going on. Secondly, sit back and ask yourself if you’ve done something maybe you shouldn’t have done and maybe that’s why I’m staying the fuck away from you.
Yes I’m very fucking pissed, yes I’m going to fucking stew for the rest of the night, yes I’m going to talk to some of you about it and become embarrassed about how goddamn mad I am right now. However, right now, it’s the right thing to do, so the Bear is going to sit here in the cold, and he’s going to think, and he’ll see you all soon.
So, I wrote this, as you can tell, when I was a little past that normal kind of angry at the world. I wasn’t going to post it at all, but the memory of that sweet girl needed to be shared so if you take nothing else away from this, please reread about her strength and remember if a 19-year-old girl can have a Universe rested on her shoulders and soldier on as she did, we all can do a little more to get the things we wanted accomplished.
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