I have been a chaotic mess the last…while…now. I am not better by any stretch of the imagination, at least in terms of where I want to be compared to where I am, but I think it is time to share a few things that I have been trying to deal with and maybe saying them and putting them into the Universe will give me some kind of clarity into the subject, or at least I think it should help me take a deep breath before I go back to working on all of the things.
When my Naomi died, a part of me that I thought I had under control for a very long time kind of crept back into the forefront of my mind. Not a problem really, just a nagging thing that I would notice and shrug off because there was such a chaotic mix of emotions and thoughts in the weeks, months, and even years after I lost her.
Then it got a little more persistent, and so on and all the rest until we get to where I am using active strategies they taught me in voluntary and involuntary therapy to keep the worst of my demons at bay. I write journals and direct my thinking, I tried guided meditation and positive visualization and actualization. I have gone to my own path and said my whispers to Her that I say things too and that has helped me so much, so there is where I will begin.
Now, I was a Catholic, a very capital C one at that. Was going to join the team, put on the cassock and save me some souls, but life as it often does had plans for me that involved neither a deity that I would have recognized at the time and people that I never thought would begin to speak to me.
I began looking into Paganism* right after I was removed from the church by the scruff of my neck and I immediately found corollaries, because what else did I have to balance it with, with Catholicism. I will bore you if you like, but let us say that I realized how much borrowing occurred from the beginning of the church to the modern-day and leave it at that without including screaming fits of rage and heroin addiction timeouts.
So, to get back to the thing I was actually going to say before going off as I do, I have been struggling with a purpose lately. Not my own purpose per se, I am not so conceited as to think I am a figure that makes a fuck of a difference in the great mill we are all grist for. I have been turning to Her and She has given me a great deal of guidance as of late, so I thought over the next little while** I will tell you some things that I learned or am learning to help myself with the guidance of a Goddess who knows my name as well as I know the myriad of Hers.
1. By this I mostly mean Germanic Neopaganism but that is a tale for it’s own day.
© 2020, TheJameyBear. All rights reserved.
I am JameyBear. Liberal. Hippie. Dad. Widower. Poet. Author. Sarcastic Ass. Friend. Lover. Hater.
I have lied and cheated, stolen and done violence in word and deed.
I have given the shirt off my back and they wanted the skin underneath instead.
I am a notorious soft touch, wearing my heart on my sleeve and wanting to make everyone happy.
I tip too much, too often, too many places, and it is has burned me even as recent as this week.
I love everyone I have ever hated still. I will always love the memory of being in love with them.
I want to be your friend. No. I want you to want me to be your friend.
I am clingy and needy, dependent and hopelessly lost in times that I will never live in.
I use language that was archaic when archaic was a new word in the early 19th century.
I want to record myself reading everything so people won’t forget me when I disappear.
I talk too much, listen too deeply, process too quickly and infer way too much.
My beard is also better than yours