Days are melting together now, so here goes an attempt at something vaguely vague. I don’t want to talk about COVID anymore, but it isn’t quite as small as an Elephant in the room, is it? It is more like the black hole in the middle of your heart that will not be ignored or denied. So, in tribute to the current Lord of Darkness, I write the following words and I hope that it will somehow slake the blood-lust and hunger for humanity it has shown thus far, however, I am not holding my breath that it will be so.

Me and mine are safe, we are healthy and we can shelter in place for a sizeable amount of time if need be. The only thing we leave the house for anymore is prescriptions, and we very rarely even get out of the car when we do that much. We are distancing ourselves socially as is warranted, and yet we are not being distant. We talk to our People, we ensure them that they are cared for, thought of, and loved. School resumes Monday and the new pattern of, dare I say it, normalcy, shall return to the house at that point.

I have been telling people, and seeing similar things posted on Facebook and the like, things that will change after this immediacy of hiding has toned down slightly and we can go outside and breathe some fresh air without having to shout to the nearest person so they can hear us.

I can’t say no anymore, not as I have been. I suffer from chronic migraines, yes, but you know what, it is going to hurt no matter where I am, so why not go be with the people who give my life joy? I am not saying ignore the pain, but there is a balance and I have been placing far too much weight on hiding as opposed to seeing the world and I am not a fan of the hermit that I have become. Is going to a bar for a beer going to make my migraine worse? You know what, it might, but when I get home and I lay in bed in the dark and the cold where I can heal, it will be the smiling faces of the people in my life I will see and not this void I have allowed myself to fall into.

I want to go and see them, to be with them, to have them come to me so we can do things we used to do. I ordered an entire case of wine so I could record myself giving tasting notes on it because, according to very reputable sources, I am pretty good at sounding snooty when I am doing it. If they don’t have any, I will make that shit up on the fly as glasses go down my pie hole like so much, well, wine.

Hugs. Goddess how I miss hugging them. I get to hug my babies, yes, and that is a vital part of my life. However, it is not the only thing. I want to lift pretty girls off the ground and spin them around and have them make little squeaky noises and lock my hands behind people and never want to let them go because that connection, that power, is so wonderful for everyone that is involved. I will let scientists talk about chemical releases, I just really like to hug. I mean, how can I be the bear proper if I don’t bear hug?

Gatherings, birthday parties, socials, weddings, baby showers, how many of these and more have I missed because I just chose to be a hermit, afraid to leave my house for reasons I increasingly believe were essentially all fabricated by my brain as it hid away from the pain of things?

No more, I have drawn my line in the sand and I made sure it is just wide enough that I can’t ignore it. I will be a human being again, I will permit myself to be alive and happy and I will kick my ass, or even ask someone else to do it for me, if I stupidly backslide into this perdition I find myself in.

So, like in the days of yore,

Rawrz Motherfuckers.

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