Now that I have the house back to myself, a cup of coffee to warm up the hands and a moment to think, writing for the day can commence. An FYI for all of my Dear Gentle Readers out there, I am going to write a lot today and will be spamming your Facebook and Twitter feeds for a chunk of the day. I am not sorry for it, I just wanted to let you know it was going to happen should you want to mute me for a bit or something, I totally understand I assure you.
So, I fell down the stairs the other day. It’s not that big a deal as I do it at least once a week because this house was designed for persons of smaller stature than myself, and not weight, I mean height. Some of the door frames are barely six feet and, well, I am a little past that, to say the least. I was trying to be careful too. I was walking slowly and all of a sudden I was looking up at the ceiling with a very severe opinion of the construction of the staircase floating around my brain. I am alright mind you, bruised up a little, but nothing too terrible. The worst part is that deep tissue pain that takes forever to go away,it is not particularly pleasant. However seeing as we are going on a week now, it has subsided to practically nothing.
I took Sunday off because I had company at the house, Monday the kids were all home and yesterday I kept the wee lads home because I am a masochist. There is a lot of writing to catch up on and I think it will be a nice day. I may not write a lot as in a lot of different posts, but the posts themselves will be a great deal longer if my brain can make that happen. I am not a fan of diving a thing for the sake of dividing it, so there will be some whoppers out there today I think. Plus, since I keep setting alarms on my phone that I need to write something new, I am going to do that, well I am going to kind of do that. It will make sense, to me at least, when I start it so there is that to consider. I will see what comes out of the brainpan and hopefully.
So, here is the meat of this one.
I have always thought I am a good communicator. I have thought that if nothing else I over-communicate my wants and needs to the other party, but I have been put in a position the last week or so where I no longer feel that this is the case. I have been casting doubt on everything I say, to others or even myself, questioning whether or not it was the right thing to say, in the right tone, at the right time, etc. I know I have a massive inferiority complex, that was drilled into me as a kid so I truly don’t believe I deserve good things, however, I know it is a fallacy so at least it gives me a toehold in the real world to try and change that line of thought, although truthfully I am not sure it could ever be removed completely. So, as my wise best friend told me, some times I have an issue saying what I need, but it is because of the aforementioned inferiority complex. If I do not think I deserve a thing, I refuse to ask for it, it is a vicious circle and I am working feverishly to break that logic loop and make new pathways to things that make a tad more sense to all parties involved.
Now, do I make the changes in how I deal with the complex or do I ignore the complex as best I can and push through it by asking for things, even though it will be a bitter thing to say based on how I feel at my core? Do I rob Peter to pay Paul? It is a thing I need to think about a great deal more before I will have a dynamic plan of action to be sure. Thankfully when you are me and all you do is think, it will be a process I can begin with gusto, well, I already have begun it to tell you the truth. What you just read are my thoughts on the matter thus far. Not a great deal, but enough to say that I have begun ad that there are pieces in motion that will better the whole, one way or the other, before the end of the fight ahead.
I am in need of more coffee I think, my brain is slowing down and that is just not a way I want to live my life today, so I will caffeinate to the highest degree I can before I get to the panic attacks and the migraine from that alone and I will see you on the other side of all of that with some decent fiction if nothing else and, I mean, since I never shut up at all I can almost guarantee you that there will be another thought-based, thinky thought, feelings for all of the world to see post coming before the end of the day.
Oh yeah, one last thing, I love you, you are cared for a cherished and needed and wanted and desired and you are the best you that you can be this moment because you are trying. SO. HARD. You are allowed to breathe, to break, to fail. I will never love you less for it, in fact, I will love you more because you had the courage to stand back up and do what must be done to get you to the place you want to be at.
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