So, in that grand tradition, you know the three day one I just started, that is me talking to my phone to get a blog post out, I bring to you today, me talking to myself in the middle of the late morning, with nothing else going on except a mild anxiety attack for recent that I have not yet pinpointed.
Side note after the fact, for those of you who are noticing that these sentences are extremely long, with insane amounts of commas, good for you. I, too, have noticed this, however, I do not want to try and edit my diction and worst about proper punctuation when I am talking about the current subject matter. Now, on with the show.
I wish I had something more sophisticated to talk to you about, something more debonair and awesome, but no, I’m going to talk to you about my anxiety attack because, and I’m sure you figured this out by now when you have an anxiety attack that’s the only thing on your mind in that particular moment.
it’s a gorgeous day, the kids are outside playing, Terry is on his computer doing whatever Terry does on his computer, and I’m sitting here staring at my computer, so I guess you can tell, it’s just a normal day.
I even talked to very many people today, not particularly on purpose, that’s just the way that it’s happened. I have dicked around and try to play a video game, that did not end well. I haven’t eaten anything yet, but I’ve had a lot of coffee. I’ll take care of the food thing here in a second. I don’t have anywhere to go, I don’t have anything to do, I’m just in the middle of a panic attack and it’s bugging me that I don’t know why, which of course is added to the panic of it all.
Yes, I use the term anxiety and panic interchangeably in this context, yes I understand that medically there is a difference between the two, but I don’t really care about any of that right now.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Naomi’s anniversary is this weekend, and it’s a significant one, I suppose? Five years isn’t exactly 18 days in the grand scheme of things. Still, it feels like yesterday that I got that phone call from the sheriff’s office, and at the same time it feels like it’s this impossibly long time ago, and that it happened to somebody else and I just happened to be there watching the whole thing when it happened.
I remember the text messages I sent, the phone calls I made, the tears I shed, the heart that broke. I remember everybody who came over to my house, I very much remember all the people that didn’t as well. I remember the words that were spoken, the sincere, and the insincere ones alike, and I mostly remember that there was absolutely nothing I could do.
It’s a situation where you live through it, you deal with it, you cope with it, there’s nothing you or anybody else can do to make it better. I suppose they can make it less hard, and for a few of you, by the good goddess, you did a spectacular job at that, however, at the end of the day you just have to survive it.
I remember saying to myself that when I had answers, it would hurt less. Then when I got the answers and the pain didn’t go away, I said that it would hurt less as time went by.
5 years go by and it still hurts as much as it did that day. I’m not going to say that I’ve resigned myself to pain, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s never going to completely go away. Some parts have healed, huge swathes in fact. Then, there are parts like this, where it is just a raw nerve that’s open to the air and every second it gets twinged by something.
The memories are my greatest tool and my weakest point. I can sit and tell a story about almost every day of the year that involves her, and while I’m telling people about them I laugh with them and I smile, and then when I lay upstairs in the dark later, the smiles turned it to tears, and then memories drift from the good ones to the bad. The lost time, the broken experiences, the things that were supposed to happen they never did because of one reason or another.
But don’t think me as broken as I was, or maybe even as broken as I will yet be, I have gained so much strength from it, so much knowledge, and through my Tribe, my People, my nearest and dearest, I’ve learned that I can, in fact, live and love through anything.
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