Panic

In Which I Start Out Good, Then Slowly Devolve In The Madness Of The Now.

It is currently a little after 9, maybe 9:30. I have been up since a little after 5. I don’t have a problem getting up that early, what I have a problem with is getting up that early and already feeling exhausted for the day.

I know a lot of it is because I have time-released medication and it is designed for me to be asleep longer than I sleep, so I’m still hitting the tail end of the dosage when I wake up, and I understand that and there’s Jack all I can do about that because the medication is what medication is.

another reason I don’t mind is that I don’t exactly have a busy schedule these days. If I go outside in a given day it’s kind of a wow factor moment for me. I just ordered some things off of Amazon that will help me go out more often, which means I essentially needed a decent pair of shoes, and I’ll least get to go out for walks during the summer because I don’t know what it is, but I am a fat guy who really, really likes to walk. My big on hills, but where I live, it’s mostly flat, and the hills that do exist don’t exactly ramp up in elevation by any significant amount.

now the things are opening back up, I am more terrified than ever then one of us is going to get sick because some idiot who was feeling sick decided that since Best Buy is open all the time now that they might as well get in there and buy the same thing they could have got off of Amazon, or any local electronics store, cheaper.

so I’m going to wait for the people in my life that are far smarter than I am to let me know when it is safe to go outside, and when certain measures can be reduced more than others, and all the various and sundry that goes with that.

I want to say that I’m going to try to get something creative written today, but I know as soon as I’m done with this, I’m going to post it, make myself a huge cup of coffee, and then lie in front of my computer with that feeling of existential dread and ennui and just zone for the rest of the day into weird combinations of cooking videos, sports highlights, and people playing Rimworld.

I’m the only person down here, which I’m kind of a fan of right now, because I’m not in a people mood, but I know they’re here. I know they’re in the house, that whole fear of being alone thing doesn’t kick in and I can just enjoy the quiet without panicking about the alone. Weird, but it’s how I roll.

I wish I could say there was anything else that was on my mind that was of import to talk about, but there isn’t. As I’ve been talking about with a very delightful person, I have these little conversations going on in my mind about things that have to get done with certain things, how to store things how to move things, but even as I speak those decisions of kind of already been made for me and some cases, and the other ones are as easy as a trash bag. If I go out today, which I highly doubt I will, it’ll be purely to pick up a prescription and I’m still waiting for.

you know what’s funny I used to keep my kids home because I was worried about what would happen to them. I was worried that they would go to school and get shot, or get sick, or a thousand other things that happen in public and private schools all over the country.

you know what, I still will keep them fucking home because I’m still terrified of what happens in public schools. I’m still justifiably afraid of sending my eldest son, a person of color, outside to catch a bus when I know that if the wrong cop drives by at the wrong time that’s all that it takes. I’m terrified to send my two younger children, children with severe developmental disabilities, to school because there are some horrible people in the world to just see schools like the ones they go to as prime targets to get the most points with whoever they’re killing people for.

So that delightful thought, I think I’m going to end this and go do some of that internet thing I was just talking about.

just remember that all we have to do is be kind to one another, and that solves a lot of problems. Not all of them, we still have to get rid of things like institutionalized racism and the gender pay gap, and a thousand, million other things, but kindness goes a very long way.

breathe deep, wear your mask, wash your fucking hands, and until next time, I bid you peace.

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