So, I have a secret to share with you that will be confusing at first, so follow along and hopefully, I will get to the point in a way that everyone can follow me on and we will all end up in the same place. I know I set things up too much and that I use twelve words where three would do, but y’all would not read this if it was a half a paragraph long and just told you today was Thursday and it was raining now, would you?
I use the word epiphany too much, it has lost meaning to me because I have spent a large portion of my life assigning value to things that, while having value, were nowhere near what I had them at. Certain experiences should simply be had and then forgotten and that is a lesson that I have only recently been able to begin learning at all. Now, of course, this only applies to experiences of choice and not of trauma, but it is still a valid discussion nonetheless.
Over the last two months, I have been in an awkwardly dark place. Not just my Dark, which of course is always there, but a general form of it where I was feeling horrible because I could not bring light to others when they needed it the most. Before you say it, yes, I know it is not my job to make people happy, which is why this was an awkwardly dark place after all. Everything has been very fuzzy in my head and I have had to rewrite a few rules that I have had in place a majority of not only my adult life but life entire.
First, I am allowed to say no to a friend if I cannot do the thing. I have been saying “Ego autem in servo.”, or “I am but a servant”, for more years than I would like to count. I was the beg, borrow, steal, kill friend that always found a way, if there was a way to be found, of getting you that thing that you needed, or wanted, or even casually mentioned in passing over coffee. I know now that this is an unhealthy thing, but more importantly, I have begun to routinely say that I cannot help if I know it will be a rabbit hole I fall too far.
Secondly and more importantly, I have been finding myself finally rid of the most toxic of people in my life and being able to actually, and genuinely, smile more often, just as I am this morning. I am in a delightful mood even in the wind and the rain and getting soaking wet putting Ducks on the bus did absolutely nothing to diminish that mood whatsoever. The migraine I have from the pressure change in the weather while causing me distress physically is not going to mar my emotional health because I feel that I have begun to find a way to dig a trench so those two things are not inexorably linked with one another.
So, when I was greeting the Air Traffic Controller this morning I was so very happy to speak with them and I am going to try to reconnect not only with them but with all of the relationships I have allowed to suffer through the ennui that I put myself through as of late.
This does not mean there is not a bad, angry, or sad mood in me. I have clinical depression and anxiety and some days are just not going to be as good as others I have accepted that as fact and doing what I can to combat the things that trigger those days and, for the days with no trigger, you simply ride the waves as high as you can and get by to the next smile.
That’s it there see, smiling.
I miss smiling.
I know you can’t see the thing under the beard and the mustache, but I love to smile and laugh and it has not been there and that is not a sensation I will allow to continue. It affects not only me, but my tribe, and that is unacceptable at every level.
So, if I message you and give you a sloppy kiss and a hello there with gusto, you will know that maybe the Bear can indeed bounce.
© 2019, TheJameyBear. All rights reserved.