I haven’t always been honest when I am feeling a certain way, I think if I share the pain or the feelings I am experiencing it will bother, hurt, and in general inconvenience the person that is asking about them. I know this is a flawed way of looking at things, but it is the way it is and years of programming cannot be undone simply by telling me not to do that thing anymore.
So, today is the day after an anniversary of a thing, I am going to share my feelings with you Gentle Readers. Not because I want to necessarily, but because catharsis is important and getting the poison out of your own body is a way not to be hurt by it anymore.
What the anniversary was for isn’t important to this really, although I will say it is a positive thing, a milestone of good in my life and I will leave it at that.
What is important is to tell you is that there is nothing in the world I am ashamed of more than virtually every day leading up until that day. Shame because I was weak-willed, feeble in my attempts and deleterious in my attempts to show some form of self-respect.
It is this weight that sits on my heart most days. I get very metaphorical about it most of the time, but today I will just say it hurts. It hurts that I wasted almost seventeen years being one thing when I know for a fact I could have been a hundred other things. I will say that there will never be a day from this one until my last one that I do not hate myself because of it.
The people thinking I am doing this for pity can think what they want. The people who think that I am doing it for attention can think what they want. What none of you know is that what I want is impossible to have and this is at least a way to express that sometimes you simply have to live with things no matter how much you wish you didn’t have to.
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