I was about twenty the first time I moved out to Kansas. I moved because I was hopelessly in love with an idea. I was in love with the idea of a woman and a man loving each other for the sake of it and not for the various reasons that people invent. When I fell in love with Naomi it was like that, we fell in love because we did. No, with this person though, and it was on us both, there was a fantasy that we either did or didn’t want, depending on the day.
When Naomi came down to Kansas, three years later, we fell into rhythm and harmony instantly. No missed motion, no extraneous movements. We loved one another, I loved the son she brought me, we loved being together and, I suppose most importantly, we were in love with being in love with one another for the rest of our lives. It was always just assumed we would be together. It was dating, she wasn’t shacking up with me, we planned on getting married from minute one. The only reason we didn’t get married while we were still in Kansas is that we couldn’t stand the thought of the people we loved not being there when we did.
Spoiler alert there I guess.
We decided we were going to be polyamorous before we did anything. We never doubted it at all. We knew we each had exponential amounts of love to give to the world and it wasn’t fair if we constrained ourselves to share it with one person. A deal-breaker for most people, but with us, it was the thing that made everything perfect. We had the “poly talk” with our friends to make them more comfortable around the idea. We had other partners we loved deeply and it never once made us love one another less, I dare say it did the exact opposite. At the end of a weekend when we were both with our respective partners we would lay down together and tell tales and laugh and smile and everything would be amplified because of it.
In the years since she died, and especially in the last month or so I have been giving a lot of thought to polyamory and the things that it entails. I have cemented in my mind and heart that with Naomi it worked because we were both so dedicated to loving everything and everyone as much as we could. Since then, it has been hit and misses to tell you the truth and it is massively disorienting to me. I am just used to being in these relationships where love is dripping, pun intended, and, well, it simply wasn’t.
I am never going to be not polyamorous mind you, I just think I am going to be a lot more, I don’t know the word, but it will be different and I won’t lie, I am sad because of that. I need to think about the next part of what I had planned to write here.
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