Anyone who has known me for longer than a minute and a half knows that I suffer from chronic migraines, chronic migraines with aura to be more exact. All that means is that when I have a migraine, as I do as I am writing this, there are little bolts of lighting that cross my vision, I suddenly can smell nothing but lemons and my vision takes a big hit in the clarity department.
It also makes the stories I have written possible.
I don’t get the severe aversion to light and noise that some people get with migraines. I can blare my music and type with very little difficulty. It is when I am not doing something specific that everything seems to close in and the feeling of claustrophobia and nausea are stronger than anything I can describe from a normal point of view.
If I focus just hard enough, I can write and play with my babies and pretend for a few moments out of the day that I am not this thing that can barely walk and talk and is forced to take pills by the handful and dozens of injections into my face and scalp every three months or so.
However, when I am talking to all of you about The Marquess and the Shuffler, Siobhan and Nuria, the pain flies away as I am walking in the rooms and worlds that these people stand. I can feel their air and hear what they hear and for a time, I am free.
People tell me that I should <insert neurological trickery> to help with them. I have. I promise. I have done the hot and cold thing, I have done the pain to make endorphins happen, dark rooms, cold rooms, no sound, white noise, pills, more pills, sprays, more sprays, NEEDLES TO MY FUCKING FACE. Trust me loves, I have done the things they say work, they simply don’t. I talked here about the DBS they are considering, so that is where it has got to, it is not “just a headache” and “suck it up, bitch” may not be the best way to talk to someone who, moments before, emptied the contents of their stomach for the fourth time that day.
Instead of texting this “friend” back and saying precisely what I just did, I thought I would make this Public Service Announcement for both myself and for every single person who has ever dreaded the thought of opening your eyes, lifting your head, or drinking water.
I am done with the people who heap hate and denial on me.
Toxicity has no place here.
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