There is very little about migraines I can tell you and not be guessing as I did it. I can tell you where it hurts, but not why. I can tell you the intensity of the pain, but not the processes that cause the pain. I can give you a painstakingly detailed list of the medications I have taken to help prevent the migraines, but I have no idea how any of them work.

I have been seen by a neurologist my entire life. One of the first things I got to do after being born was to be seen by a neurologist at UCLA Medical Center. First my seizures, then my migraines, then my children and their seizures. It is a common thread in my life that I wish I did not have, but that is neither here nor there for the telling of this particular tale.

Since my migraines escalated in their intensity in the last few years, I have seen specialist neurologist whose bailiwick is migraines and headaches in general. A lot of important things have been found out in that time. I am grateful I did not have the pituitary microadenoma that they thought I had, which would have explained both my migraines and the fact I am six inches taller now than when I graduated high school.

In the beginning, I didn’t mind the guinea pig routine. After all, it was a new thing for me, and I understand that not all medications work with all people so they had to try things and combinations of things to see if they would work. I have already listed all of the drugs I have taken elsewhere so I will not do that again, but apparently, I have tried pretty much all of the accepted conventional medications for the treatments of migraines.

Lately, they started me on the first medication specifically for migraines. I was very excited to see what was going to happen and, truthfully, I wasn’t particularity surprised when, as of yet, the drug has had no measurable effect on the frequency or intensity of my migraines. I have noticed, and noted in various notes to the doctors, that they have been occurring more often with higher intensity. I do not doubt that the new drug has nothing to do with this; it is just unfortunate timing.

Yesterday, as I walked into the sweltering heat of the early afternoon, I was at a total loss.

The appointment had gone pretty much as expected. I told them the new things; they noted all of it dutifully as they were supposed to. My blood pressure was pretty decent, and they did me the favor of not weighing me so I wouldn’t hate myself all that much more. I waited a while in the room, but I understand that there was an emergency in the hospital proper that required a neurologist on it and I would never ask that they ignore that whole “first do no harm” thing just to make it to my appointment. It was helpful in the room, air-conditioned, and the nurse had been kind enough to leave the lights as dim as they could be without being off.

As I go to a hospital that is a teaching hospital, after the talking, the neurological exam, the making sure I didn’t have a tumor in my eyes and the ever-popular close your eyes and try not to fall over test, he said he had to go consult with his boss and left me sitting there once again in the room where I took a seat and caught my breath and blinked a lot.

He came in with his boss, a completely different boss than the last one, and she explained in minutae, things only the migraine afflicted would understand why they were going to wait another quarter to try out a new medication instead of prescribing it to me that day and, well, I won’t lie, the rest is a blur because I was crestfallen.

So, to address two things that have come up in conversation lately.

  1. No, I don’t want to “score new shit” because it will give me some kind of high. I specifically make sure that opioids are never in the conversation as I am frank with my doctors about the drug use of my past. Besides, opioids aren’t what you would call a migraine medication.
  2. Why on earth would I do this for the attention? Do you think taking a $20 Uber to a doctor in the 100-degree heat and humidity is fun? I am twice the weight of you most likely, imagine being my swamp thing ass in the eat. Thank you. I suppose I should be flattered you think I am some Munchhausen having pill seeker? No, even when I was a crackhead, I was pretty honest about what I was.

Forgive the tangential conversational turn.

I came home and tried to blow it off, but it fucked with me.

Until it didn’t.

Laying in bed, phone long ignored, and the blessed cold air was running over the heater that is my core, I realized that it is what happens. I am not some special cupcake that deserves anything different from science because I happen to be in a great deal of pain. So, while disappointed, I move on and drink my coffee this morning and do so with a goddamn smile because my ids are cute and doing cute things, and that is the important thing here.

Lastly, and please listen because this is important.

I do not want your pity or your prayers. I don’t care if that upsets you truthfully because not only is my belief strata most likely incredibly different than yours, your pity is supposed to do what to further the success of a situation exactly? Am I supposed to drop to my knees and thank you for your compassion oh noble one? I kneel to two things in the world, and you are not on that list.

There, I told myself I would write about this and then go on with my day, and that is precisely what I plan on doing.

Stay cool, stay hydrated, and stay classy.


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