Allow Me To Dust Off This Old Chestnut For Your Perusal. Also Known As A Passive-Aggressive Cry For Help?

RAWWWWRS

I have a horrible habit of letting people kind of make me do things. Insert the “You’re the Bear” commentary. I’ll wait. Done? Cool.

I have this ingrained need to help people. I need to help them as much as I need to breathe and it never occurs to me, except in situations precisely like this one, when I am just allowed a moment to think, that there will always be people willing to take advantage of this fact. My good friends, hell even my kid of friends, don’t do this, it is those people on the edge of things, the people in your orbit yet not close enough to you every day to say hello, you know the people I am talking about here. it starts with a little favor, then a bigger one, and so on until I gave that fucking bitch two grand and I didn’t even realize it until way too late. Or when I let that cunt move into my house, destroy a relationship, and kick ME out of MY house. All because I needed to be the White Knight riding to the rescue.

I have learned a few things over the years.

For starters, all of the People in My Heart are not helpless. I am never going to be their Obi-Wan, I am not only okay with this, but it is also a principal column of my sanity. When you make me realize that I am not SUPPOSED to help everyone, my mental health gets a massive boost and I can be as normal as whatever that word means to me.

These insidious motherfuckers though, they worm their way into me because I am about as soft a touch as ever has been. I assume they won’t lie to me, because, I mean, we’re people, right?

No, no we aren’t.

So yet again, and I know some of you are sick and tired of me having this epiphany, trust me, you are way less sick of it than I am of having it. Yet again I sit here with the decision made to, while not necessarily hardening my heart to those in need, perhaps inspect their motives just a little deeper, maybe ask a question or two. Why? Why Me? Why would you possibly need me to look up flight times when you have the internet?

Basic things.

My Tribe knows this does not apply to them, however, I am saying it so I can show them it does not. Friends help friends, it is a cornerstone of the whole word.

For now, more caffeinated bean beverage, maybe with a lot of extra wake up juice added.

Maybe meaning yes.

I Don’t Even Know Why I Bothered With This

39

I have been sitting in this spot for an hour trying to write. I have plenty of things to say, I even have the ambition to do it. It just seems that every time I start a sentence I get this all-knowing meh in my head and I delete them over and over again until I am literally sitting here writing about what I can’t write as I write when I want to write. It is low hanging fruit, but I suppose you need to get what you can nowadays, don’t you?

I have been reading a lot lately and, from those readings as they are varied, I have been piecing together an idea that I have touched upon a few times as a theme, but I think I will focus on as a direct plot point in the future. Not because it is a muse that sings to me, but because it is like the Taos Hum. The Taos Hum is this noise that supposedly only some people can hear outside of, you guessed it, Taos, New Mexico. I will not get into the tinfoil hat shit, but they say it is a noise that you simply really would rather not hear.

That’s what this is. It is a thing in my head that I want out and I want on paper so I can look at it and see if it is something I ever want to be near again or, like this Hum, I want to be far away from it and leave abandoned to die where it flops out of my brainpan. If it is something I really like, however, I already have it a little planned, so we shall see if that develops or, like all the things I write, it simply withers and dies on the vine.

Now that I have written that sentence, I am going to go and find pretty much anything else to do other than this.

IF I Were A Betting Man, Which I Am In The Worst Possible Way, I Imagine I Would Be Seeing A LOT Of Posts From the Overly Caffeinated Bear Today

Coffee

It’s funny how many people are doctors when you are afflicted with a thing they believe they know more about than you do. As awkward as the timing is of me writing this, this has nothing to do with the current COVID health crisis, know it is the usual rant that we are going to go into today.

It’s not just a headache. It has never been just a headache. It will never be just a headache. It is not a take a Tylenol and suck it up buttercup situation. It is not something that I can always just power and pose my way through until I get to the safety of my bathroom floor or bedroom darkness.

In the last couple of months, I have been getting a lot better at not retreating like a turtle when it hurts at a certain point. I am. However, when all you can think of is vomit and death, maybe that is when you need to go and lie down for a few and see if you can reset the cranium case to a vaguely normal level.

No, I will not go into how bad it hurts, or any of that. You have ignored me for more than a decade, I think perhaps you would have got the point if you were going to get it by now. So, instead of shaming you and educating you like I have been doing all this time, I am going to pivot in my head, stop writing about this and tell you a plan I have.

I am getting 18 bottles of wine tomorrow because that is what awesome is experienced as by us lowly motherfucking mortals. Terry ordered some bad-ass cheeses that came in just the other day and I am going to act all fancy and shit and have a fucking cheese tray with sweet, literally and otherwise, ass wine for dinner tomorrow night and there is nothing you can do about it because I am a motherfucking adult and if I want to have wine for dinner I fucking will.

The next morning, I will be recording my impressions of the wine in a jovial and light-hearted manner and there is also nothing you can do to prevent me from doing this because that would infer I give a fuck about what you think in regards to my recording preferences.

In addition, like a Warrior Princess I know, I am all up in a Serial Killers podcast and am horrifyingly and yet refreshingly surprised that there are as many of them as there are. That and all sorts of other shit I have been meaning to listen to for goddamn years and for some reason my unemployed ass thought I had “no time” for. Fuck all of that shit in its shiny metal ass. Notice my proper lack of apostrophe use in the last instance of “its”, yeah, English bitches.

In case you hadn’t notice, the goddamn caffeine kicked in about paragraph five and it is fucking on now.

I talk to all of you that I can damn near every single day. Every single one I can. Yup, I forget to message you sometimes, or sometimes I have some shit going on, but most of the time it is me messaging you because that is what I do and anyone who has ever smiled at the stupid RAWRZ! I send every morning makes my motherfucking day. I never actually expect anyone to respond right away, I mean, you are busy people doing busy people things, I GET IT, I do.

Lonely Island is an awkwardly awesome motivator, but now I am on to Lil Jon and LMFAO with Shots so it is on, in all the best ways things can be indeed not off. A hundred some-odd decibels of music an inch or so from your eardrum is probably bad, but you only live, well, however many times it is now, right? It will be Confusion by New Order with that sweet Remix action.

Oh yeah, to get back to the beginning. Yes, I still have a fucking migraine, but in the spirit of doing my life a little differently, I am ignoring the best I can and enjoying my goddamn morning to the motherfucking fullest.

RAWWWWRZ

Now I Feel Like I Can Put Together A Sentence Without Having To Go Quite As…Odd

This is me, JameyBear

Now that I suppose I am a little more awake than I was, I can write something a little more cohesive, or at least something that doesn’t upset me as much to read as the tripe I just put out does. I am leaving it up on purpose to remind me that maybe I should finish the coffee and let the caffeine kick in before I make the world aware of the things that are going on in the squishy thing inside of my melon on top of my neck-stick. Or, at least write about things I will remember writing a few minutes after the fact.

All that being said, we move on.

I have had these wildly fluctuating mood swings lately. I am sure part of it is all internal chemistry, of course, can’t escape dopamine and serotonin after all. Some of it though, some of it is because there is a sameness to everything that is so very old. It’s like looking at the patina on a piece of antique metal and thinking it a beautiful thing, until you realize that it had to sit there, untouched and abandoned, for years to get the colors you are so enthralled with. It needed to simply, not.

There is no plan on breaking the health officials dire warnings and going out for the sake of going out, I am bored, not suicidal. I just need to write about it, get it out of my head in some ways so that maybe something creative can grow in the place where this thing is beginning to fester and rot.

I love my children with all I am, but no one should see anyone for twenty hours a day, seven days a week, for X amount of weeks on end. School breaks it up, my sparse and yet delightful social calendar breaks it up, hell even doctor appointments make enough of a shift in things that I can say it is not the sameness.

I am a very touch-based person. To call me a hugger is quite an understatement. I am a light you off your feet and spin you around and have your blush because I did it kind of a hugger. I hold hands and like people to sit in my lap and only some of that is in the creepy and perverted way you are thinking of. Touchstones are a thing I have in my room here, literal and metaphorical touchstones. Lots of hippie things can be said here and it deserves a little more awake me than what is currently present, so we will leave this here with a pin it and come back to it another time and I will explain that a little better than I just did.

There, that is a little better.

Now, to try and be social and try to find things to talk about.

Loves and Rawrz Bitches

Sometimes When I Drink Coffee Fast I Smell Things That Aren’t There, I Have No Idea If That Is Something I Should Be Concerned Over

Me!!!

So, Slipknot is exploding in my ears, my babies are content and it is, I think, a Saturday morning at the ending week of April.

I slept last night, well I think. I woke up a lot this morning, but that was more because the cat had opened my bedroom door and the light from the hallway was messing with my eyes as I lay tucked under every blanket I have, which means the one I use as opposed to the four I could.

I got an email this morning telling me that my wine should be here on Monday, so that will be the greatest goodness. I am looking forward to recording tasting notes purely because it is simply something new than the monotony that this pandemic situation has forced us all into. Don’t get me wrong, monotony, staying at home and doing Groundhog Day, especially now, is vital if we want to ever get the hell out of the house and do the things all of us want to do.

Oh yeah, for the record, when this is all over, if you want to go to dinner, have drinks, anything, just as, my no button will be hidden away for a while. It is time for me to rejoin the ranks of humans, you know?

I was looking at this website last night, ForgottenBooks.org. Now, mostly what they are is a membership site that you can find esoteric literature at and read it, for said membership and fee. Keys of Solomon, Greek Bibles, the whole nine yards. I actually had to physically put down my phone before I spent money to read things I know I can not only find for free in other places but can legally find those things for free in other places.

I am now onto Otep and coffee, and if that isn’t a title for a book, nothing is.

I have nothing to say in case you couldn’t notice, it is just one of those times where I feel this absolute drive to write something, so here we are again.

I think I will try to read some comics today, so there is that exciting piece of Intel that I know all of you were simply salivating to know. Other than that it is going to be a day, just like the other forty or fifty that I have had.

make do until it is time to try and sleep, right?