I have been sending the vibes I want to receive into the Universe as of late and, truthfully, I am in a better overall mood than I have been in years. I laugh a little easier, I laugh a little later. I have quieted some of the worst of the demons that are daily. most of them tell me I am not a “real friend” because I do not get to see My Tribe My Circle, My People, nearly as often as I would like to, or as often as they would like to see me. I feel guilty for this, I have to, it is an Irish thing. However. I think perhaps I have been able to circumvent a lot of the worst of it by the following thought.
Do I want friends who would “hate” me if I don’t get to see them as often because life or money or sick or migraine get in the way? Do I want “friends” who would judge me and shake their heads in disdain and anger over me not being able to cum and grab a beer with them?
Fuck no I don’t want those friends.
Know what though? I don’t have those kinds of friends either.
While I can and will not guess the gamut of emotional responses they feel when I say I can not attend a thing, again, I would imagine disgust for my absence and a feeling of ire is not at the top of the list. These are people that I trust, I love deeply and confide the deepest parts of my soul in. I am either a really shitty judge of character, which history has proven more than once that I am, or my diagnosed anxiety disorder is feeding me continual lines of fucking bullshit and while they miss me I hope, I am nearly certain they don’t spit on the floor when they hear my name being mentioned.
So I will plow through the things I need to get through and then I will see them again and I will hug the ones that want it, lift and spin the ones than make the cutest noises when I do that thing and tell them all how much I think of them and how wonderful they actually all are, because, at the end of the day, they are the people that keep me in a position to be..me.They are the ones telling me I am not a fraud, a fake, a con. They are the ones who tell me when I am being an ass so I can correct my behavior and, most importantly, they are the ones who will hug me just as hard as I hug them when I see them.
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