I had a rough night last night. Struggled with some of the biggest demons I have. I am here today though, I am here today and that is what matters to tell you the truth. I am here and even if three seconds after I send this out to the world they come back, I am still a motherfucking warrior who welcomes the battle that comes to me. I don’t talk about the Viking much anymore, but I think the Viking Bear is coming back slowly after being stolen for a time. Not a lot of you may know what that means, but if you do, you will smile at it I think.

You would think that after twenty years, literally twenty whole years, I would be able to look at certain things and not feel that spine chilling fear that it brought me this morning.

On October 24th, or within a few days of that honestly, Nineteen Hundred Ninety and Nine, I was sitting in the front row of a concert, a fucking expensive ticket I may add, when I was overcome with abject terror. Not panic, not anxiety, terror. I knew if I stayed where I was, I was going to kill someone or someone was going to kill me. For the record I was off of all illicit substances at this point for nearly two years, I wasn’t even drinking all that much even if I did smoke like a chimney.

I was standing there in my eleven-hundred dollar VIP section appointed space and I simply knew that something bad was going to happen tome. Either me getting hurt or, worse, me doing the hurting. I don’t know what it was, I will not dive into that Pandora’s Box today, but I will tell you what happened the next day as a way of contrasting things.

The next day I was sitting in the Viking Way apartments and all I wanted to do was do the aforementioned drugs I didn’t do anymore. I used all the things I taught myself and beat the urge, but the fact that something that maybe never existed nearly caused me to go dirty after two years is insane to me. I have told you how hard it was, I have told you the stories. Some of you may remember me from then. I wouldn’t go to that again voluntarily, not ever. I would end everything before I did. So I sat there with my arms nearly bleeding from the scratching and I turned and saw a book, I had no idea what it was and I just picked it up with one hand, let a smoke with the other and I read. I read the first hundred pages or so so fast, and Ia m a fast reader on a good day. I couldn’t tell you what the book was, this isn’t some I was reading the Bible and the Lord healed me bullshit story. It was something Science Fiction I think, maybe Piers Anthony as I was pretty into him then.

Hours and a book and a half later I had lost the urge, the feeling, the need that I had before and I took a look at the book and laughed at the title, whatever it was.

I nearly lost a battle and stories are what saved me is what I want you to take away from all of this. I read stories and mind went there instead of where it had been and I am not an obituary or a homeless junkie looking for anything to beg, borrow, steal, or kill for that next little bit of foil-wrapped hell.

So yeah,

Rawrz

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