It isn’t that I forget what today is. I don’t try to hide from it at all anymore. I simply have, I think, got to the point where I do not let it hit me so hard as it once did. Plus, since it is mom, it is never a bad thing to just let it pass as uneventfully as possible. This year I thought I would write something, well, something instead of letting the day pass unremarked upon.
For years now I have been trying to come to terms with this well of anger I have inside of me that is towards my mother. Not because it is ruining my life it has helped it along in a few different ways I can think of off the top of my head. No, I want to come to grips with it because it is simply a thing I do not want to have to handle anymore.
I want to be able to think of my late wife on Mothers Day, of my best friend, of all of the mothers I know that are fantastic in every way that you can be fantastic and flawed all the same instead of thinking of the darkest and most violent period of my life. I want to be able to tell a story about a thing and not have my fucking brain start to tell me how it would have been even better had SHE, yes in caps and bolded, not been there to ruin it all for me at the end of the things.
I am not going to make some proclamation that I am never going to get on the evil feels train again, that would be stupid because if I know anything about myself, it is that I am always capable of feeling things I do not want to feel, ESPECIALLY at times I do not want to feel them. What I can do however is try and be mindful of what my thoughts are and, if I can, redirect them to something more positive when I get those thoughts and images that I do not want to have, and if I can’t redirect them, at least be aware that they are influencing me at that point.
Other than that, I am just going to do the one thing that I know would piss her off the most.
Live life the way I fucking want to.
© 2020, TheJameyBear. All rights reserved.