It’s funny how many people are doctors when you are afflicted with a thing they believe they know more about than you do. As awkward as the timing is of me writing this, this has nothing to do with the current COVID health crisis, know it is the usual rant that we are going to go into today.

It’s not just a headache. It has never been just a headache. It will never be just a headache. It is not a take a Tylenol and suck it up buttercup situation. It is not something that I can always just power and pose my way through until I get to the safety of my bathroom floor or bedroom darkness.

In the last couple of months, I have been getting a lot better at not retreating like a turtle when it hurts at a certain point. I am. However, when all you can think of is vomit and death, maybe that is when you need to go and lie down for a few and see if you can reset the cranium case to a vaguely normal level.

No, I will not go into how bad it hurts, or any of that. You have ignored me for more than a decade, I think perhaps you would have got the point if you were going to get it by now. So, instead of shaming you and educating you like I have been doing all this time, I am going to pivot in my head, stop writing about this and tell you a plan I have.

I am getting 18 bottles of wine tomorrow because that is what awesome is experienced as by us lowly motherfucking mortals. Terry ordered some bad-ass cheeses that came in just the other day and I am going to act all fancy and shit and have a fucking cheese tray with sweet, literally and otherwise, ass wine for dinner tomorrow night and there is nothing you can do about it because I am a motherfucking adult and if I want to have wine for dinner I fucking will.

The next morning, I will be recording my impressions of the wine in a jovial and light-hearted manner and there is also nothing you can do to prevent me from doing this because that would infer I give a fuck about what you think in regards to my recording preferences.

In addition, like a Warrior Princess I know, I am all up in a Serial Killers podcast and am horrifyingly and yet refreshingly surprised that there are as many of them as there are. That and all sorts of other shit I have been meaning to listen to for goddamn years and for some reason my unemployed ass thought I had “no time” for. Fuck all of that shit in its shiny metal ass. Notice my proper lack of apostrophe use in the last instance of “its”, yeah, English bitches.

In case you hadn’t notice, the goddamn caffeine kicked in about paragraph five and it is fucking on now.

I talk to all of you that I can damn near every single day. Every single one I can. Yup, I forget to message you sometimes, or sometimes I have some shit going on, but most of the time it is me messaging you because that is what I do and anyone who has ever smiled at the stupid RAWRZ! I send every morning makes my motherfucking day. I never actually expect anyone to respond right away, I mean, you are busy people doing busy people things, I GET IT, I do.

Lonely Island is an awkwardly awesome motivator, but now I am on to Lil Jon and LMFAO with Shots so it is on, in all the best ways things can be indeed not off. A hundred some-odd decibels of music an inch or so from your eardrum is probably bad, but you only live, well, however many times it is now, right? It will be Confusion by New Order with that sweet Remix action.

Oh yeah, to get back to the beginning. Yes, I still have a fucking migraine, but in the spirit of doing my life a little differently, I am ignoring the best I can and enjoying my goddamn morning to the motherfucking fullest.

RAWWWWRZ

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