My mind wanders, it’s what it always has done and always will do. It’s how I get the best things that I’ve ever written, it’s how I express myself is my love language, it’s how I’ve gotten myself into every single disaster that I’ve ever gotten myself into. It wanders and sometimes all I can do is just come along for the ride and hope that when it’s done, I know where I am and I can get back home okay.
Every since the beginning of the COVID pandemic, it’s been wandering further and further afield because it has less to concentrate on than it normally does. Which is awkward seeing as I actually have my children more often than I normally do, but that’s besides the point altogether I suppose
This morning, I wrote a thing. I’m not ashamed of what I wrote, nothing of what I wrote is a lie or even vague in its meaning. The problem with what I wrote this morning is that it was so purely unintentional. It came out then a torrent that I could not control until I was doing the editing after the fact.
Now, as much as I’d like to say that I’m not in control of what I’m writing and that there’s some eldritch power controlling me from beyond mankinds understanding, what I think is happening is that I am allowing myself to slip into my own head and hide there for a while because I am not a big fan of what I see in the real world anymore.
I’m vaguely aware of what I’m writing now, but I’m writing it mostly because I’m in the middle of a panic attack and a migraine and I’m lying in bed in my bedroom, in the dark with the air conditioner on full blast and I’m just talking into my phone with my eyes closed. Which, is why you might see far more typographical errors in the field of punctuation than you normally would when it comes to writing that I present.
I was telling my best friend just the other day that sometimes I just need to say things. I I’m very well aware of how few people read the things I write, and that’s okay because I don’t write 90% of it for them, I write it for myself and is a record for the things I’m going through at the moment.
So as I’m sitting here feeling like a stranger in a strange land, not knowing if I am sane or not, it behooves me to ask my favorite people for help. Now while I wish I could talk to all of you directly, I can’t. I can’t do that because life is cruel right now and I would give anything to talk to some of you face-to-face. Hell, I would give anything to yell at people I don’t like face-to-face at this point.
I don’t want pity, I don’t want understanding, I want help. Not the professional kind, I’m already on the list or two for that. Yes, the same list that I’ve been on for over a year now. Maybe I just want people to tell me what’s real and what’s fantasy? Where my thoughts stop and the real world begins?
Either way, my head hurts too bad to keep going.
Be kind to one another, love one another, wash your hands, wear your fucking masks.
I love you, and as always, until next time, I bid your peace.
© 2020, TheJameyBear. All rights reserved.