I am sure a few noticed that my attitude about life, in general, is on the uptick as of late. If you didn’t notice, that is okay and you now know and your life will never be the same because of the vast and arcane knowledge that you now possess, if you just find my phylactery….or is that me being a lich?
Even though I am in this good, no, great, place. I am still cognizant of the fact that I have done wrong to people and while I am not going to take the AA method and tell you all I am sorry individually and rely on God for things, I am going to admit to a few things in what I think is a different way. I am not trying to be fancy or special, well I am, but that is just me trying to be the version of me that I want to be, so to thine own self and all of that I suppose.
Have I hurt people, deeply and even often? Yes, I have. I have broken their faith in me and broken their hearts while I was at it. I have made matters that could have been easily solved so much worse because I failed at the one thing I pride myself on, communication. I listened to people I shouldn’t have, I didn’t listen to the people that I should never have stopped listening to and, worst of all, I didn’t listen to myself when I was doing wrong and KNEW I was doing wrong. I took easier roads than the rough ones where I needed to work. Now, changed behavior is the only apology that matters in truth, and I know I will never get the things back that I had in some regards, but I am so much stronger for having this failing, it is a base for which I can build myself up from and I know that all below is rack and ruin and not worth salvaging, no matter what the incessant little voices in my head are trying to tell me even as I write this.
I am not the person I want to be. I know what that person is, I can tell you what he looks like, the things he has done and is doing, but I am not in a position where I can say I am that person. I am lazy and terrified of my own shadow, paranoid the people who I love the most don’t return that love and always on the watch for the failings I have had with drugs rear their ugly heads and swallow me whole and take me deep into that hell all over again. I look for the easy way, the simplest way, the way that requires a smile and a handshake instead of blood and sweat and pain and effort. It is a thing I am actively in the middle of changing and I know that in time I will be that person I can tell you all about, but for now, I need to be content with the fact that I know I am not where I want to be and am making strides towards that place.
Now, enough of that. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am stating indisputable facts. Now, let me go another direction, my best friend tells me I need to say more positive things about myself, so this is for them and their persistence.
I wrote a motherfucking book. yeah, it is porn and is pretty short, but I wrote a book. I keep telling people it is what I want to do but, you know what, I fucking did it already and anything else is gravy. Hell, you can go get it if you want it, I won’t even make you pay or the damn thing.
I write millions and millions of words. I do the thing that I love to do most in the world. I am not getting the millions of dollars, no, but I am doing precisely the thing that will get it tome if I am persistent enough.
I have three of the most amazing Ducks you will ever imagine knowing. Those of them who have met them know how awesome they are. Their mother was a woman of power and character and all three of them have inherited that from her.
See, three facts that are also indisputable.
It’s always about perspective.
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