Flectere Si Nequeo Superos, Acheronta Movebo. Sorry Princess, Latin Says It Better Without The Translation

I have been up pretty much as long as I normally to tell you the truth.

Got up a little after 5 to get the Elder Duck ready to do the things he needs to do (that means I am the dad that gets him up early so he can play video games before giving up my room all day for him to go to school) and then, normally, even if I don’t fall asleep, I lay in bed for a few hours and gradually acclimate myself to the soul-shattering fact that I need to go a whole day and not be asleep. Sometimes little dude comes up and crashes with me for a bit, which is adorable as it sounds of course.

That was the plan this morning when the power went out.

Now, there isn’t a real reason I couldn’t have stayed in bed, my bedroom is not only cold because I like it that way, but it is also the only room in the house that gets absolutely no direct sunlight into the bedroom proper. It stays cool in there even on the hottest of days, which we are definitely at yet to be sure.

No, the reason I couldn’t stay in there, other than the little squirming child next to me who was bored all of a sudden, was because there was absolutely no noise. I can’t go with absolutely no noise. It freaks the shit out of me and I just don’t do perfectly normal and quiet. Hence the sound machine, the fan when there was one in there, the air conditioner, the diurnal things I listen to. I can’t be absolute silence, it brings up memories of things that I don’t want to have memories of and, regardless of the skills I have learned, it always flips that particular switch.

So I am tired.

Know what else I am?

Soul-crushingly fucking tired.

I don’t have any of the spoons and fucks anymore. There are too many squirrels in my head and I am not going to last much longer if I don’t do anything about it.

So here is what I am going to do.

First, this will be the last thing in here for a bit. Feeling guilty over not writing things that I like to write is idiotic and I refuse to continue on that particular pathway.

Secondly, I love you.

Thirdly, let’s hope this ends sooner rather than later. I do not do myself or any of my people favors when I fo into hermit mode, and I am feeling a pretty strong itch to lay in a quasi-comatose state for 19-23 hours a day with occasional breaks for the food and the bathroom. We all remember what happened the last time I got stupid like that.

So if you know me, text me. If I don’t answer, I probably still think you are awesome?

The title says it all, let’s just hope we can do the former before the latter, yes?

Rawrz

The Mind Of An Introvert In Consensual, Non-Consensual, Social Isolation – Day The Monday

Monday, right?

I am pretty sure it is Monday because I had to wake the Elder Duck up so he could do the remote school thing and be the smart one in the family and go on to do great things, most likely in Astrophysics, at least that is the interest at the moment. I am so proud of him. All AP classes next year, that is including the extra one he actually asked to be in. I am not stupid, but that boy will always put me to shame. I think that is the right way though, the next generation smarter than the last, trying to solve the problems the generations before caused, making their own mistakes for their successors to solve and so on.

Today it is List25 day on YouTube. I mean, it is better than the Super Mario Maker he was watching and a lot more interesting, to him, than the blacksmithing videos I have been hooked on the last few days. I think it was a bad idea to start the day with torture devices, but hey, we all make mistakes right? He loves them and, more importantly, it keeps him enthralled for hours at a time, a thing that is more important now than ever. I will take him outside later if it stops raining, social distancing does not mean stay in your house, just a walk, even if it is around the backyard, let the kid feel the wind on his face for a few minutes if nothing else. I should do the same thing with Connorface, hell it would be easier with his wheelchair anyway actually.

I am going to do this today. Write a blog post, then a story thing, then maybe rinse and repeat. I want to get some things out of my head anyway.

That brings me to a thing.

I love all of you who are concerned about me. I do. I am not a self-harm guy, not anymore. I can promise all sorts of things and I know the score on that. I will just assure you the best way I can that I am simply overtired of a lot of things and I will adjust, I always have and I always will. I don’t handle rapid change particularly well and given the ever-evolving situation we are in presently, I think a little panic and worry is normal if not particularly desirable. I am taking all of the medications I am supposed to, I am eating and drinking and doing as much self-care as I can when I have the Ducks to worry about twenty-four hours a day. I am not critiquing people for their worry, I am just trying to tell you that I am, while not fine, not in that much of the Dark as some of you think I am and if I do get to that place I know what I need to do to get myself out by myself, or, in the worst case, who to call if I cannot.

Now I am going to sit here and listen to War Child by Hollywood Undead, get my brain in storytime mode for a little later. Maybe have another cup of coffee, a little bit of food and see where the day takes me in its ever-spiraling complexity.

I love you all, I do.

Rawrz