It is the second of February, in a month, I will be 40.
Now I am not going to say the typical woe is me things, especially when my roommate has me by thirty years and laughs at me when I try to pull shit like that. I am also not going to go with my typical line of “I never expected to live past 17”. Sure, before I was 17 I thought that, does it matter that I thought that twenty years plus later? No, no I don’t think it matters at all.
In 40 years on this dust mote in a sunbeam, I have learned some things. Some of them are even important. So, in a comical way, I am going to impart my vast wisdom to all of you and maybe you will use it, maybe you won’t, but you should laugh once or twice.
So, in no particular order:
- “Fingers finging” is one of the greatest phrases ever uttered on this planet. It can almost instantly stop a panic attack and make me laugh like the eleven-year-old boy my clean-shaven face makes me look like.
- I will never tire of the debate over whether ninjas or pirates are better. Even if all the pirate people are wrong.
- The first time your son mimics your Bear growl you will cry a little bit.
- Nealon’s truism: What Can Go Wrong, Will Go Wrong and Already Has Gone Wrong.
- Your children will eventually be better at you in your favorite video games. If you do not have/desire children, your friend’s/family’s children will happily fill this slot.
- That guy that said the thing about sunscreen had a point.
- The books are always better than the movies.
- Heartbreak is universal in its absolute power to destroy your base and bring you to your belly, not just your knees.
- Never forget to tell them you love them.
- It is, scientifically, windy if you look at a shed rolling across the road in Western New York.
- Kansas is not flat, it is nauseatingly hilly and driving through it is a wonderful test of Dramamine.
- California is not nearly as awesome as you think it is, nor is it as hopelessly bad as some want it to be.
- There is nothing like moon rise in the Mojave.
- You can never know more about childbirth than a mother. Ever.
- Conversely, you can never understand the need for birth control than either parent after a two-week school vacation.
- Apparently, you can look good in eyeliner and still be allergic to it.
- Gandhi was right, Western Civilization does sound like a good idea.
- The odds of you remembering you left your cell phone charger at home decrease exponentially the farther away from said home you are.
- No matter what has happened to you, someone always has had it worse.
- Drugs aren’t the gateway to the solace that you pray they can be.
- Lord of the Rings is the greatest book ever written. Fight Me.
- Remember songs from when you were a teenager, humiliate your own teenagers with them.
- The Mamas and The Papas music will always be cool.
- Women are not devices you insert kindness into to receive sex.
- Read that last one again.
- “I was drunk”, “I was high” and “I was fucking tired” sound stupid as excuses when you think of them killing your friends in a car accident, don’t they?
- People who are good at something are not better than you.
- Epstein didn’t kill himself.