Be One Of Those That Loves Others For The Sake Of Loving Them

Tribe

I have always had a Tribe. It doesn’t matter if it was a group of people who I smoked all sorts of illicit things with or people who I loved with all I am, I have always had a Tribe, and I will always have one. Not because it is some en vogue thing to say about one’s self, I say it because I am an utter failure of a human being when I try to do anything by myself. That may sound self-deprecating, and I suppose it is in all honesty, but it is no less true. I need people in my life, support structure. It doesn’t matter what word you use to describe that group of people either. Some say, Tribe, others People, still others say Pack or Coven, Church or Family. Some say all of them and others say things that I can scarce imagine.

The point is that when I tell you are my People, of my Tribe, it means you and I have connected on a level that is above and beyond the daily definition of friendship. I will look out for you as I know you will look out for me. Oddly enough, I will most likely be less likely to ask you for help if you of the chosen I have because, in my mind, you are too close to burden with such things. Yes, I know it is a little stupid and I am actively working on changing that part of myself. I love people, I love people strongly and quickly and I become very protective nearly instantly if I can tell you will be of my Tribe. Those of you who are reading this that I count as mine, you know what I will do for you, you have done for me and the bond is not a gentle thing to separate and it is painful and difficult for both parties involved should it happen.

Why is all of this being spoke of this cold and blustery day here in Western New York? I am honored and privileged to have each and every one of you in my life is why. I do not deserve the vast and nearly limitless kindness each and every one of you has given me and if it takes me thirty lifetimes I swear I will try to give back to you in love and support a thousandth of what you have given to me. I will lift you up higher, love you stronger, support your every endeavor and even if I disagree with you, I will support and love you because it is the right thing to do.

Yeah, I am a little emotional this morning, but, have you met me?

RAWRZ

Cold. For The Love Of The Goddess I Want It To Be Fucking Cold!

Cold The Heart Can Be

So, the time of year that most people hate is upon us and I am in a weird situation because of it.

Let me explain.

I was raised in the San Fernando and Antelope Valleys respectively. One is THE valley when you are talking about California and the stereotypes, the other is the high desert of the Mojave and, as you can imagine neither of these places gets a great deal of cold. I will say it snowed in the desert once when I was a kid, terrified me to tell you the truth. Other than that, it was California weather. Warm, no humidity, a breeze always blowing.

When we moved here, hell the day we moved here, there was a snowstorm and I was completely enchanted with it and I loved it. Not the snowball fights and sledding or any of those things. No, I loved the fact that I could simply get so cold that nothing would bother me anymore and I apparently was one of a very small amount of people to do this.

Fast forward a few decades and Ia m the guy in sneakers, shorts, and a t-shirt in February with snow up to my knees happily scraping the ice off of the car and brushing the snow off of all the things. I love the cold and it loves me. The few of you delightful souls who have been (cursed?) to sleep next to me know that I run about fifteen degrees warmer than most people. I have my air conditioning on constantly and, other than power outages and dead units, my air conditioner has been on since the day Naomi died. So, four and a half years now?

It helps me think, it makes my migraines seem less severe, it is a personal little cave the Bear can hide in when he wants to be where other people simply do not want to be at all. I can write in there, record a few things, enjoy the chaotic calm of the air conditioner and the noise machine next to my bed to fall into a sleep from time to time.

This year is different though. This year it is just miserable and I don’t like it and it puts me in quite the spot because I have nothing else I like about the weather other than the cold. Have you seen my fat ass in July? I sweat like a horse after a run and feel as much energy as the appropriate metaphor would have described here. The winter is when I get to be me, alive and happy and laughing and I am just not feeling it and it is a concerning thing. Maybe I just wait, right? I mean, it’s only in the high thirties today, maybe I can wait until the single digits and see what there is to see then.

Yes, I know I forgot about our resident priest yesterday, a more pressing writing need occurred and it will again today I think, just know I have not forgotten about James and Elisabet, not by a long shot. Siobhan and Victoria will definitely be on the menu today, hopefully, we can get to James and, way in the back of the lineup, Midas and The Assemblage. So much writing so little time and all of that.

RAWRZ

With Every New Soul Comes A New Beginning, With Every New Beginning Comes A New Tale

Pages

Protective. I have always been that person who wants to look after people. Even when I was a bad guy I wanted to make sure that people were safe, well, at least most of them if I have to be honest with you. It is built into who I am, forged by what I came from. I suppose the ultimate deal sealer is when my Ducks came along. I didn’t know what protective was until then, I just thought I knew because I was the Big Bear. When your newborn son has his hands wrapped in your beard and you are whispering to any Goddess that will hear you to forgive you in advance for the violence you will do in the name of protecting this perfect creature, you then that you are protective, or at least that is how it worked for me.

It has caused trouble, yes. I have failed people I wanted to protect, yet. I have even hurt the people I swore I would never see harm come to. I am an imperfect thing and I easily and readily admit to that. I am ashamed of transgressions and things aplenty but what I am not ashamed of, what I will never once be ashamed of, is the effort. I may fail, but by the Goddess and the Darkness That Eats All Things I have never once stopped trying to keep all of them safe. Even the pain I caused was horribly misguided efforts to save them from things that turned out to be lies or delusions of mine and mine alone.

If you know pretty much at all you will know that the friend base I have is very wonderfully tilted towards the gender(s) I am not. I do not have anything against males as a whole, it just seems to be that I make friends easier with people who are not that thing exclusively. If one had to analyze it I suppose it has to do with a need to replace the evil of my mother with a positive feminine influence that I know is not a danger to my psyche, even if that danger is PTSD screaming from the darkest corners of my brain. I am sure there are some other much more pertinent psychological things as well, but it is a choice I make consciously and I think that is the important take away here.

Why do I bring that up? I do because almost exclusively, the people I know that do not need protecting are these wonderful people. There’s is a strength that I envy and fear and I think it is a powerful thing in mind and spirit both. I look up to them, put almost all of them on almost impossibly tall pedestals that I then make ever higher with effusive praise and constantly telling them I love them. It is a balancing act I do not do well and from time to time I need to reevaluate and the line gets drawn again. It is a constant thing, it is what my mind and my heart do and even if I could change it I absolutely would not because it is the way it has always been and they are great and glorious in my eyes even if they are not in their own.

Anyway…

Today is for the creative Bear to scream from mountaintops high and oceans deep. Sweet Siobhan will be back and Pater Noster, which I may have totally forgotten about the other day. Something else as well, something bubbling up, not yet formed as whole. The newness of a thing is not to be rushed lest it be spoiled and we all know a first cannot be repeated.

RAWRZ

How Many Lessons Do We Learn In Our Lives? How Many Times Do We Fail In Order To Succeed Later?

Lessons

One person can make an eternity in your heart seem like an instant, and a moment of their time seems like forever. You can love them in so many ways, as they can love you. Each soul is unique and gifts you with a part of their spirit that they can never get back once they give it to you, it is a precious treasure that should be guarded and protected in every single way imaginable. If you, or they, end the love as it was when it began, that does not negate the gift they gave you, the lessons they taught you, the things that you will forever remember about them because they alone gave it to you and no one else had such a power as they did, and no one ever will.

I was taught patience. She was always so very enthusiastic, for good or for ill, and I had to learn to be patient and wait for her to come to see the truth of a thing, or to wait her out while she did the thing regardless. She grew, withered, and repeated that cycle in front of my very eyes for years while I was patient, waiting, so very sure it would become what we always dreamed it would. Just because it did not, does not mean that the lesson learned is invalid.

I was taught that sometimes what you see is exactly what you get. There were so many lessons with her, but that is the one I will remember always as being singular to her. I wanted to not believe things, I wanted to see past what others saw, however, sometimes there is nothing but the smoke and the mirrors and the person behind the curtain playing every trick they can imagine to get you to see them as they want you to see them, not to see them for what they are.

I was taught that fantasies should sometimes stay as far away from you as possible. It was such a perfect setup, everything was going to be a Utopian dream and all I had to do was give away my soul on the dotted line. So I did, and then when I got there there was not Utopia, there was no anything other than confusion and a very quickly purchased bus ticket home with my tail tucked firmly between my legs.

I was taught the very essence of true love. She looked at me and saw her Jamey, her Bear, her Mr. Tall Man. I looked at her and saw the forever we had planned together and the eternity that we would have after that. Sickness and health, rich and poor, everything and anything, I learned how to be a better father, friend, lover, fighter, man, person, human. All of that and a thousand times more.

I was taught that words, even single words, have vast powers to destroy. A misplaced letter on a single word ended what truly was a Utopian landscape and started what would eventually become a hellish ride as fast as reality could take me back to places I never thought I would be again.

I was taught that I sometimes do not see the best things even when they are standing in front of me. I was so busy being idiotic and distant that I didn’t see the absolute devastation I was wreaking on a soul that deserved every opposite of that. I needed to be there for her and I wasn’t. I failed her utterly and her love still comforts me in the dark as her forgiveness is a blanket.

I was taught that there is an eternity, a forever, in the eyes of a single human being. They say they are the windows to the soul, but what happens when that window is opened is what she taught me what happens when the very universe tells you that you are loved and you know the truth of the words because the universe is vast and everything and a single eye contained it.

I was taught that I need to not enter into relationships while drunk. This is self-explanatory and I will give no more lip service to her.

I was taught that distance and absence do not always, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it grows into a snarling and wounded thing and hurts because it is the only response it has ever known.

I was taught that there is redemption. There is redemption for all things if you know where t look for it, and in whom you choose to cast your glance upon.

So many lessons, and more from others that I will not share. There are dozens of moments that have taught me that life is both cruel and magnificent, divine and demonic, sublime and sub-par. I can never share all of them, nor would I want to, but each moment we learn and take away a thing from a person we make ourselves and hopefully the teacher, better for the act.

This did not go as I thought it would as I started it and I am sure you can see the slide and where it began and, well, with whom if you know me pretty well. Sometimes it has to be a way, even if you think it should be another.

RAWRZ

Sunday Morning, No Sunlight and I Suppose That’s It

I Dunno

I have no idea why I am awake at a quarter after six on a Sunday morning. I am assuming it has something to do with the time change and the cosmic array aligned against me in every possible way of course. Thankfully I have my trusty computer and Snoop Dogg in my ear to guide me back to the path of the righteous. or maybe I am just writing so I don’t have to pay attention to my very wide the fuck awake children who seem to think that it is an appropriate time to both watch Netflix and challenge me to a game of Chess. While I applaud their taste in board games I must admit the timing is a bit off to get me at my peak form.

Today is all day football due to the game across the pond this morning so that will be pretty much all I do today, and I think that is for the best seeing as I don’t really want to do anything else at all. Not for any negative reason really, just kind of migrainey and all that. It is a lot better than it has been the last few days and that is the important thing. It isn’t gone, but it is gone enough that I can do human based activities that I can accomplish with some degree of success.

So, I have been writing this for twenty minutes and that massive collection of words is what I got, so, I mean, there.

RAWRZ