Mixed Messages

Heat

Proper hot today from what I understand. The warm where even skinny motherfuckers say it is hot and not just me, a fat Bear, wiping tit sweat off on the shirt kind of a hot day. I can imagine how lame and suck today is going to be. Instead, I can tell you other things; I have decided to do the latter because that seems more productive than whining about meteorological phenomena. I can do absolutely nothing about how much I desire to do that thing.

I have been giving serious thought to keeping this, the blog, and then moving all the other things, like the stories, to another platform to keep the messages distinct. I think it gets a little blurry when I start talking about the downfall of the government and then follow it up with a story about a magic alley. I don’t need to do this, of course not; it just seems like a more streamlined way of getting the things I want to get out, out. So that’s one thing that has been on my mind.

Another thing that has been on my mind is a real tech thing that I want to write down even if it only makes sense. See, I have ten terabytes of storage on external, USB, hard drives, and I want to find a convenient way to have them all connected to the laptop I am using without filing every USB hole like an actress at an AVN award show. I know what I should do, but money being a thing that doesn’t magically appear when I want it to, I have decided to have fun filling up the new five terabyte drive I am getting today and worrying about the rest of it another day.

I am the only person on the ground floor of my house right now, which is an oddity for the record. The Elder Duck got his marching orders for school, so he is trying to get himself back into a routine, and the Babeh Duck must have been a pain in the ass, or he would still be down here, being a pain in my ass. I will revel in this as I can, my coffee all poured and nineties metal pouring into my earholes in the best possible way, loudly.

All of that having been said, I am going to play some Skyrim before that is taken away from me by the arrival of the Horde and the monstrosities they bring with them on screeching voices and hooked claws.

Loves

I Have No Idea Why I Wrote Down Quasi Stage Directions Either

Me!!!

Have any of you ever driven through Gary, Indiana? It is right outside of Chicago on the Indiana side of the border, and I have never once, in the dozen or so times I have been by it in whatever vehicular conveyance I was in, not cried. Not tears of beauty, but absolute agony. 

You can tell what it was when it was something at all. You can see the grandeur hidden behind the dirt, disrespect, and disrepair. If you ever see the city and not notice a fire, let me know because I have never had a chance to see that myself., Every single time, there was something on fire, and it just made the entire scene even sadder than it already was.

Interesting Segue Of Some Kind…

Since the quarantine began Gentle Readers, very little in my life has looked clean. It seems like I have been staring through the smoke, which, instead of getting more transparent with the clarity of time to think, has become more and more fogged because I have that delightful habit of massively overthinking everything I do, in every way.

Smart Transition To Current Subject Matter

Last night I sat on my bed for five or so hours, and I made myself a plan of action for a lot of things, including the return to mental health care that I am very well aware I require. I have phone numbers that are written down, calls I need to make, and the entirety of what I call the plan. Of course, only I would come up with this plan on a Saturday night. Still, I suppose that is neither nor there. As long as I follow through on what needs to get done to bring myself, my psyche, and my soul to the levels that I need them to be at for me to be able to function in the ways that I need to. Especially in the ways that my children need me to.

Awkward Spin To The Non-Sequitur

It is going to be a bad headache day, well it already is, but it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better this time. I enjoyed the small respite I had yesterday. I got a few tangible things done I needed to get done as well as drastically overthinking my life-choice, decision-making paradigm.

Disastrously Overspun Outro

That’s all I have for today loves; I wish I had some more, but sometimes the brain runs on empty when it comes to writing down any more pretty words, no matter how many of them are floating around in your head.

In a Society that has Abolished Every Kind of Adventure, the Only Adventure is to Abolish the Society.

Adventure

I suppose, in the end, it is all a Machiavellian exercise more than anything else. If indeed the ends justify the means, then anything done to achieve them is perfectly acceptable legal and fair in the field of play. If Machiavelli was a pompous twat, however, then there may be a storm brewing that there is an ass-kicking coming that may not be a particularly grand and marvelous thing to participate in from either side of the line.

On the other hand, if you want to take a moral high-ground and then come out and play dirty pool, is it my fault if you get your ass explosively handed to you by the aggrieved party? If you dirty box from the clinch, then you deserve to have your fucking instep destroyed like a scurrying waterbug across a kitchen floor during an open house.

There is a war of words coming, Gentle Readers. It is a war that will pit the Good against Evil. I do not say that as a metaphor, I say that as Truth. If you stand with a man who reeks of the putrescence that he has surrounded himself with since he crawled from the womb, then you are a bad guy, and you get what you fucking deserve when you get kicked to the floor and motherfucking curb-stomped.

You want to be on the right side of history for this. When your children’s children look back and ask you why you stood with Madness instead of the hand of Liberty and Love, you need to look them in the eye and say…? What? “Lock her up?” “Mexico Will pay For It?” “No Collusion?” Are you indeed so well and genuinely mindfucked that you think any of that has ever been crucial to the Dumpster Fuck In Chief?

You need to take a breath and realize that you are supporting a man who wishes pedophiles well. He stood with Nazis and endorsed violence. He called Mexican immigrants rapists, derided women and people of color. He has Stasi-like kidnappings happening in America, even as I am writing this. Most importantly, he has been stealing tens of millions since the first second of his abortive presidency.

You look at the eyes of those future generations and tell me that the sacrifice of Democracy was worth it because you are uncomfortable watching people who look different than you having a cookout, that you are okay with people getting their doors kicked in and murdered. That “All Lives Matter,” as long as they are the ones you get to carefully fucking curate.

Anger is expected, encouraged, and commended.

The revolution WILL BE TELEVISED.

Pain, The Universal Equalizer

Brain Demons

I went to bed yesterday before dinner, hell, it was closer to lunch than dinner now that I think about it. I went upstairs to lie down because I had a migraine. I don’t bother trying to put the migraines in the “Top 10 I Have Ever Had” territory since they hit nearly every day. Still, I know when one is terrible, and I want to talk about why last night was unusually unsettling for me.

Generally, when I get a migraine, it is a miniature sun just behind my left eye. A heat that grows more and more intense until certain things occur, systematically and always in the same order a far as I can remember.

First, I will get incredibly nauseous. Anyone who has had a lousy headache, never mind any migraine activity, can relate to this. Think hangover headache with that still drunk need to puke.

Second, the vertigo sets in. Standing because an endurance sport and even sitting at an upward angle gets too much after a short time. I have never been a fan of the room spinning, I am sure I am not alone there. What makes it worse is that the spinning, again for my case, is multi-axis. The room spins yes, but then it does a delightful Rubiks Cube thing and does the same job on the vertical axis of my Universe.

Thirdly is what I like to call the buffet. At this point, I have put myself to bed or, if I am with someone in the know, been put to bed. Vomiting, Nose Bleeds happen most of the time. However, Disorientation, Cotton Mouth, Excessive Sweating, Chills, and Hot Flashes have been known to crop up. Plus, let us never forget, the ever piercing and growing pain of that fiery microcosm in the center of my skull.

Lastly, and it is always the last thing to happen before the end, I lose hope. See, no one ever talks about the psychological impact of being in constant pain. They are all busy telling you it is all fake, grab an ice pack, take two aspirin and be a man, or whatever gender expression you desire.

I cry a lot. I lay on my bed, and I weep, and I feel no shame in it because pain is a universal feeling. Not one of us alive has ever not shed a tear when our bodies’ pain has reached a certain point.

Irony? The crying makes the pain worse, and I feel more pathetic, and it is a cycle that goes on and on until one of two things happen, leading to the same conclusion.

One, I pass out from the pain. My brain gets to a certain point, and then some deep and reptilian part of it shuts off to ensure that I can survive the thing. It is a terrifying thing, lying in bed watching a show or even just staring at the wall. Suddenly, it is 8, sometimes 12 hours later. My seizures occasionally hit me like this, but unlike them, this is almost an instant thing, Ia m in Point A, then I am Point B. No dreaming, no waking up a minute to roll over, just straight unconsciousness.

Two, and I suppose this is the better of the two scenarios, I go to sleep. It is a dark and stormy sleep as the migraine isn’t gone. Like a thunderstorm at night, though, I can hear the thunder of the pain. Still, it is somehow distant, occurring in a slightly different locale.

Then, with both, I wake up, usually very early in the morning, and I fight again. I look forward to the battle because, one day, I will learn how to defeat them ultimately, or I will simply learn to deal with the pain better.

Now uplifting, but I needed to get it out of my head, and you were lucky enough to hang on for the ride.

Then, There Are Dark Days

Dark Days

Dark Days. Least fun of all the days there are, but they need to be spoken of regardless of our desire. These are not the anniversaries, those you can prepare for over time. These are not the birthdays, those you can steel yourself for those. Now, these are the days that were special for such hyper-specific reasons that no one but you both knew them.

What today is, for the point of this, doesn’t matter. Plus, even I like to keep certain things behind doors that only I and perhaps a very small few get to go into and discreetly look around before reverentially closing the door again.

I tend to be very snappish on dark days, a shorter fuse than even I have. I couldn’t tell you why. I suppose it has to do with trying to hold all of the other things back against, trying to not flood the mind with the negative bound up in the wonderful.

The problem with the dark is that no matter how hard you try, the light seeps into it. Usually, I am fully in support of this. Still, some things need to stay the same in our memory and not be purged away like a forgotten phone number replaced with some very Disney version of the facts.

It is better for the soul. I think that we remember it the way it was and not how we would have had it been. Sometimes there were fights when you want there you want to be kissed. You want there to be laughter, and all there was in actuality was tears. Disguising the dark with a rainbow is a disservice to the memory of the things that genuinely occurred. A false way of making yourself feel more like a real little boy instead of the puppet we all must infrequently be.

On dark days like this, I tend to hermit even more than I usually do and write or read a great deal. As much as I would love to tell you I am going to write copious amounts, I am most likely going to read comic books on my computer and try not to yell at my children. They have no idea why I am upset and why explaining it would only upset me more.

The weather is definitely not helping, although the clouds will most likely aid the temperature and not allow my brain to get to unparalleled pain levels. I don’t think we need to go anywhere today, so it will be a quiet day if nothing else. Even if I do have to go out, it is most likely for a quick little errand that will most likely do me some good to look at the sky instead of walls and ceiling.

I know I am the height of Bear Emo by saying things like dark days, but the words are in there, and all I am is the court stenographer. You don’t think I actually come up with all of this by myself, do you? No, the little gnome people in my head are awfully busy, and I have to say I don’t particularly mind.

So I will drink my first, and then my subsequent cups of coffee, look at my kind shoot other people on Xbox for a bit, snuggle the little guy, and then see if Stephen King’s kid is as good at comic books as I have heard that he is.

Take a second today, and just take a deep breath and realize that every second you think you can shrug off is retained in some way. You genuinely need to make sure that you enjoy every second of the good.