I Couldn’t Say Nothing, I Wanted To, I Did, I Just Can’t

You would have been thirty-nine today. You would have been surrounded by love and happiness and jokes and booze and all manner of debaucheries. I was going to sit and write this immense thing, a tell-all of things that would make people love you even more than they already do as if that were possible.

In the end, though, I won’t, because today I want to keep you and the memories I have of you to myself, just for one day. I share you with everyone because they NEED to know how wonderful you were. Today, however, I keep you and the memories that go with this day in years past to myself.

Tomorrow we will share you once again love.

Anger Cow

So, here I am again and all that shit.

I was just saying yesterday, or whenever it was, that I need to put more emotion into my writing. I tend to avoid topics that I think are going to hurt people’s feelings and I think that is some cheap and cowardly bullshit to tell you the truth.

If you don’t want to read what I have to say, fucking don’t. I am not forcing you to do a motherfucking thing and if you think I am, then mail me a stack of twenty dollar bills wrapped with a blue ribbon and a lipstick kiss.

There are very few things in the world that make me as mad as when people decide to denigrate people that I love. It is one of the things that will make me, a normally rather pacifist person, angry enough to go out and seek to do bodily harm to someone, and perhaps even enjoy it.

In the last few days, since I was hit by that thing I am calling the MAGA Bomb, or a thirty thousand strong Twitter brigade coming after me with everything that they had, I have seen some of the foulest things I have ever had the misfortune of reading.

They spoke ill of my late wife, of my children, my friends, anything and everything that they could in order for me to do both exactly what I am doing here and, more importantly, engage them on Twitter to give the fucking bullshit accounts legitimacy in the eyes of the ever blind jack and the brown shirts there.

I did succumb to their taunts in one way, however, I refuse to directly interact with things that I will not call human. For one, I am pretty sure most of them are little script bots and don’t exist, and secondly, I just don’t have the fucks, spoons, cares or falafel to do it at the moment.

It is Naomi’s birthday today.

She would have been 38.

Instead of celebrating that, even with her gone, I have to sift through refuse and click a button thirty thousand times because Technical Support at Twitter “does not directly intervene in block-list functions for the end-user” even though that is pretty much the definition of what they should be doing on a day to day basis.

So I will sit here and get more and more mad and then I will go to the gym and, in a way that will not cause me agonizing pain or broken bones, rage exercise and get the adrenaline and testosterone to a respectable level and then come home and, in the fullness of time today, raise a shot to my Dove and make sure that maybe I have made the world a little better for at least a few people whom I love very much.

I will also be posting a small story piece of some type later. Angry makes me creative and I might as well milk this fucking anger cow for all that it is worth, right?

Yep, The Other One, and Thoughts Besides

He would have been 74 today.

No one I talk to outside of blood at this point in my life ever knew, or even met my father. There are a few people out there in the aether that knew and even loved him, and I wish them the best in their journeys in life. Some times people simply fall away from one another because life happens and while it is sad sometimes, it is the way it needs to be for change to happen and for growth to occur, or some shit like that anyway.

That is the extent on the conversation on my father, I will not go to that well over and over knowing that the water is poison, so I will l let it sit there and fester, away from me this time instead of buried deep.

I have been pretty quiet lately, I have wanted to say so many things about so many things, but my brain seems to want to do things contrary to what I seem to want to do. I have a few moments of clarity so I will at least write down a few thoughts and expound upon them when I think I can as opposed to just writing half-ass shit.

In regards to the recent legislation stripping women of their reproductive rights and bodily autonomy:

Firstly, and I think this is the root of the matter, I am a male-bodied person and can and will never understand the vastly complex issues that female-bodied persons go through each and every day. Also, as a male-bodied person, I have no right to decide, in any capacity, what female-bodied persons should do and should not do with their bodies. I will stand with the female-bodied people I know and fight with them to regain the rights that theynever should have lost in the first place. I will not “mansplain”, assume I know what is better, lock them out of any discussions or any other kind of toxic exclusionary behaviors that denigrate and degrade their place as the foundation and pillar of society.

Added on to this, I will check to make sure that I watch what the fuck comes out of my mouth so that I as an individual do not do anything to abuse, assault, waylay, injure or remove their importance and stature in the construct of my day to day life. I will fail occasionally and when I do I will apologize yes, but more importantly, I will learn from my bad behaviors and make positive change so that I can show that I am indeed trying to make strides to be a better human being in all the ways I can be.

I have a great deal of anger in regards to this and I sincerely hope that I can communicate my thoughts effectively and try not to be in the spotlight as opposed to supporting those who are in it.

In regards to politics in general:

I will happily debate you in any and all topics of conversation and hopefully, come to a meeting of the mids with you if you follow a simple rule.

Denounce the fascist in the White House publicly.

I am not asking you to vote Democrat, to put bumper stickers on your car, to do anything at all other than say that the person we have as the leader of our country is unfit to lead. If we can agree on that I can guarantee we can make inroads on other subjects as well.

In regards to those who suffer from mental health issues, myself included:

Know I love you, each and every one of you. I have not lived your story, even if we may have some pages that overlap in the chapters. I love you because I too understand what it is like to be demeaned and accosted for things that are sometimes beyond our control, and sometimes are. I will support you in every conceivable way I possibly can and if you do not desire my help, for whatever reason, I will respect your reasons and continue to root from the sidelines.

In regards to those who feel the need to be hateful towards those with mental health issues:

I will not say hateful things to you I will simply tell you that you are wrong. I will try to educate you as to why you are wrong and then, if it gets to a point where I know that you refuse to listen to the truth of science and centuries of learning on the subject, I will wish you well in your life and I will cease communication with you. I am toxic enough for myself, I do not need any help in the matter, thank you.

Lastly, and by no means least:

I have come to a number of crossroads in my life lately and I am so very happy that some of you have been with me in the darkest of the moments that I have walked. You have stopped me from breaking very important promises and if you understand how important that is, then you understand almost everything else.

All my love to all of you,

I will be back soon,
Bear

39

39.

I could tell you don’t care how old I am turning today, and for the most part that would be true. There are people I know that are older and younger than me that have done things I wanted to do my whole life and have not done things I did decades ago.

It isn’t old, it isn’t quite as young as it used to be.

I could tell you stories about not thinking I would live past just about any number that ends in teen and they would make you a little weepy, but they were twenty years ago, I am here and the stories are just that, stories of a thing that never ended up happening.

I have been married, divorced, widowed.

I have three reminders of perfection I get to look at and love every day for the rest of my life.

I have been to other countries, but not the biggest city in the state I live in.

I love with all of my heart, for good or bad, Always and Forever. Why love any other way?

I see the world through rose-colored glasses from a time I never lived in that I am told I occasionally personify.

I listen to the music my parents grew up with, I listen to Norwegian Doom Metal, Hollywood Musicals, and Israeli love songs.

I can look at my arms and see scars that remind me why I am alive, and a few on why I shouldn’t be at all.

I am very aware this is taking on a Baz Luhrmann direction, and maybe that is okay.

Maybe I have some advice for people that would make sense to them.

Maybe I can say things that will ring that weird bell we all have within that resonates when we hear truth.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t own a house, home is a place where you are, no matter how much you pay for it.

Sing. For Goddess sake. Sing. Let them judge you, who cares? If you feel it, do it.

Vaccinate your fucking children. Don’t let them die because Facebook told you too.

Maybe not dance though, you can physically hurt yourself if you try to do a thing you shouldn’t do.

Don’t do anything people tell you to do because you hope they will like you more.

They won’t. They never, ever, will.

Help your friends. Help them whether you can give them exactly what they want or not. A listening ear is a thousand times better than a cold shoulder.

Cut. Out. Toxic. People. They are a wound that will never heal if you leave them where they are because of memories and old victories.

Tell people you love them. Every day. In words. In actions and deeds. They can never be told enough.

Read. Write. Paint. Sculpt. Game. let the voices within show themselves to the world.

Have a Tribe. Those people so close to you that to be without them is to be without a limb.

Love Your Tribe fiercely.

Listen to your Tribe’s women, they are wiser then you can possibly imagine with secrets of creation only they bear.

There are ten times ten thousand things in life you will love. Ten times more than that, you will regret. You need to focus on the things you loved, not the things you have lost. You can love without destroying yourself utterly.

Listen.

She speaks.

Listen.