If You Know, Well, I Love You and I Am Sorry

Jamey, Jamey, Jamey…

You know there is something in the wind, don’t you? You can smell it if you take a second and put down the weight of your crippling self-hatred and self-pity. There is a change coming and you need to make sure that it is the one that is be3st for you, not the one that is best for everyone around you and yet you are stuck in the past while everyone else moves forward…again. You give them the shirt off your back, yay for you, notice how many of your fucking shirts they have now? The best of them wash them, fold them, and hand them back to you with a hug and a smile. The worst of them rip them to shreds and feed the ends through bottles for wicks of the firebombs they attack you with.

The pandemic. Yes, yes the pandemic. Yes, it is a horrible thing being managed by horrible people that has resulted in tens of thousands, soon to be hundreds of thousands, of people dying in this “land of the…” whatever we are now. You’re not the violent overthrow of the government kind of guy. They have a few details about you that prove that remember? Yes, now you do. You’re more of the launch of the subversive website from your living room and encouraging kind of a guy. That is wrong that is not going to get talked about now, however.

Yes love, I know it hurts more than it used to. I know that it is a maddening thing and if I could take it away I swear I would. There is nothing “character building” about any of this and I hope you will keep those appointments that you made when this thing gets to a reasonable level of chaos. They may not be able to fix you the way you want, but they may be able to make you get to a place where you can fix yourself the ways you want.

You are listening to songs that remind you of beautiful women. I applaud you are doing this with none of that “what if” mojo that burns so incredibly strongly inside of you. No, this is just music, and occasionally a face flashes across your heart and you smile and keep listening to the song.

A demon you had been meaning to give a hug to for a very long time has been taken care of and once again you can smile when you think on simple things.

Hai person reading this.

Most people look in the mirror and do the positive self-talk thing, or maybe they don’t need it and for that I am happy.

If I write it down it is a record that at least for these exact moments, I felt good in the ways I have listed here. It doesn’t mean I am “okay” it means that at the moment, for these things here, I am, not not okay. I am clinically depressed, my anxiety is at a near all-time high and I am pretty sure there are some disassociation issues that I desperately need to talk to a psychiatrist about at the soonest possible opportunity.

There are things to be glad for however, not all is sorrow. My Elder Duck is going to end this year with a damn near 100% average in everything across the board, including the arch-nemesis that is the English language. My Connorface smiles brighter every day and my little guy can learn more in an afternoon than I did in my teenage years.

So no, not all darkness, just a lot of patchiness.

What is that is the Persian Sufi poets said?

This to shall pass?

I Got Bored….Again

So I have a website again. It doesn’t really matter if y’all read it or not to tell you the truth. This is for me to write things that I need to get the fuck out of my head just that second. Seeing as my therapist fired me and there is an 18th month wait to see the next one, I thought I would say things here instead of at the top of my lungs with various law enforcement agencies on a highway somewhere.

I think the word I used a lot yesterday was disassociated. Before I go on what will most likely become a rant of vaguely intelligible disinformation, I want to say that I mean no insult to anyone who truly suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder or any of the other dissociative disorders that are, and those that are not yet, recognized by the DSM-5.

When I think of the word, I think of the dictionary, or in this case, Wikipedia, definition as it applies to psychology.

In psychology, dissociation is any of a wide array of experiences from mild detachment from immediate surroundings to more severe detachment from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.

Yesterday, for the majority of the day and evening, I can safely say that the beginning of that definition fit me absolutely spot on. Nothing seemed quite the way it was supposed to be. I hesitate to say real, but it was like I was seeing everything through this huge fog and that fog made everything look and feel different from what I assumed it was supposed to look and feel like. It was mildly terrifying and the good people of my Tribe are the reason I am not in much worse shape than I am as it is

I get bored and dive into my own head a lot, so maybe that is it? I read a lot of things and maybe terminology gets stuck where it shouldn’t?

Fuck if I know.

I suppose the one thing I can leave y’all with is that I am going to be bugging the shit out of your Facebook feeds, at least until my brain finds a new shiny and I forget all about having a website until I get the bill.

Plus, since you are awesome, you get to see a picture of….I dunno. give me a second….