Mixed Messages

Heat

Proper hot today from what I understand. The warm where even skinny motherfuckers say it is hot and not just me, a fat Bear, wiping tit sweat off on the shirt kind of a hot day. I can imagine how lame and suck today is going to be. Instead, I can tell you other things; I have decided to do the latter because that seems more productive than whining about meteorological phenomena. I can do absolutely nothing about how much I desire to do that thing.

I have been giving serious thought to keeping this, the blog, and then moving all the other things, like the stories, to another platform to keep the messages distinct. I think it gets a little blurry when I start talking about the downfall of the government and then follow it up with a story about a magic alley. I don’t need to do this, of course not; it just seems like a more streamlined way of getting the things I want to get out, out. So that’s one thing that has been on my mind.

Another thing that has been on my mind is a real tech thing that I want to write down even if it only makes sense. See, I have ten terabytes of storage on external, USB, hard drives, and I want to find a convenient way to have them all connected to the laptop I am using without filing every USB hole like an actress at an AVN award show. I know what I should do, but money being a thing that doesn’t magically appear when I want it to, I have decided to have fun filling up the new five terabyte drive I am getting today and worrying about the rest of it another day.

I am the only person on the ground floor of my house right now, which is an oddity for the record. The Elder Duck got his marching orders for school, so he is trying to get himself back into a routine, and the Babeh Duck must have been a pain in the ass, or he would still be down here, being a pain in my ass. I will revel in this as I can, my coffee all poured and nineties metal pouring into my earholes in the best possible way, loudly.

All of that having been said, I am going to play some Skyrim before that is taken away from me by the arrival of the Horde and the monstrosities they bring with them on screeching voices and hooked claws.

Loves

Then, There Are Dark Days

Dark Days

Dark Days. Least fun of all the days there are, but they need to be spoken of regardless of our desire. These are not the anniversaries, those you can prepare for over time. These are not the birthdays, those you can steel yourself for those. Now, these are the days that were special for such hyper-specific reasons that no one but you both knew them.

What today is, for the point of this, doesn’t matter. Plus, even I like to keep certain things behind doors that only I and perhaps a very small few get to go into and discreetly look around before reverentially closing the door again.

I tend to be very snappish on dark days, a shorter fuse than even I have. I couldn’t tell you why. I suppose it has to do with trying to hold all of the other things back against, trying to not flood the mind with the negative bound up in the wonderful.

The problem with the dark is that no matter how hard you try, the light seeps into it. Usually, I am fully in support of this. Still, some things need to stay the same in our memory and not be purged away like a forgotten phone number replaced with some very Disney version of the facts.

It is better for the soul. I think that we remember it the way it was and not how we would have had it been. Sometimes there were fights when you want there you want to be kissed. You want there to be laughter, and all there was in actuality was tears. Disguising the dark with a rainbow is a disservice to the memory of the things that genuinely occurred. A false way of making yourself feel more like a real little boy instead of the puppet we all must infrequently be.

On dark days like this, I tend to hermit even more than I usually do and write or read a great deal. As much as I would love to tell you I am going to write copious amounts, I am most likely going to read comic books on my computer and try not to yell at my children. They have no idea why I am upset and why explaining it would only upset me more.

The weather is definitely not helping, although the clouds will most likely aid the temperature and not allow my brain to get to unparalleled pain levels. I don’t think we need to go anywhere today, so it will be a quiet day if nothing else. Even if I do have to go out, it is most likely for a quick little errand that will most likely do me some good to look at the sky instead of walls and ceiling.

I know I am the height of Bear Emo by saying things like dark days, but the words are in there, and all I am is the court stenographer. You don’t think I actually come up with all of this by myself, do you? No, the little gnome people in my head are awfully busy, and I have to say I don’t particularly mind.

So I will drink my first, and then my subsequent cups of coffee, look at my kind shoot other people on Xbox for a bit, snuggle the little guy, and then see if Stephen King’s kid is as good at comic books as I have heard that he is.

Take a second today, and just take a deep breath and realize that every second you think you can shrug off is retained in some way. You genuinely need to make sure that you enjoy every second of the good.

Well, I Knew What I Wanted This To Be About. What It Ended Up As Is The Wonderful Horror Show Of Writing Blind.

Brain Demons

In Which I Examine My Parenting…

You know when people who are your age look at you and then say something like “Oh, you remember what we were like when we were that age.”?

See, I don’t.

I really have no concrete memories of anything that happened in my life from about July of 1995 until the Very Bad happened a few years later. That isn’t to say I remember nothing, I mean, I got married three times, had a son, got divorced three times, somehow managed to not fail out of high school and became a gigantic fish in the tiny, tiny pool I swam in. So yes, I remember things from those years, I just don’t remember things.

I don’t remember the subtleties of what it is to be a teenager, because I never lived the normal experience enough to tell you anything about it.

I can tell you what it is like to sit on the shoulders of a seven-foot-tall Ugandan giant named Umaki who I watched die in my arms, but I cannot for the life of me tell you what it was like going through hormonal changes in relation to the attitude and actions of the said teenager.

I can tell you the exact moment I knew that my life was going to end in horror, but I cannot tell you what it is like to get ready for prom, even though I apparently went to four of them.

I can tell you how to swear in Farsi when you see people you owe a lot of money too and you know there is nothing you can do to get away from them and the bad they are bringing, but I don’t know what it is like to ask dad to borrow the car keys.

I am not asking for pity, understanding, or even advice, I am merely stating facts that occurred to me on my yearly guaranteed sleepless night. I sat there encased in a wall of sage and patchouli smoke, my eyes wide open in the darkness while I said and did the things that needed doing to honor so many things.

As I drifted away from the Now, I remembered not just the Then, but the Never Was. I tried to look at it like I was reading a book, and reading it I discovered I had entire chapters missing that most people simply take for granted as everyone has.

The biggest example I suppose is my father.

My father was diagnosed with Colo-Rectal cancer in the summer of 1997 and was dead before my birthday the next March. My mother and I were the only ones who knew the details of everything because my sister was at school and my brother was, we mistakenly thought, too young to handle the information as we would have presented it. So while my mother and I were not surprised that mate February morning, everyone else was. They were so mad at the two of us for withholding all the information we did, and I know now how selfish it was for us to do it the way we did. However, at the time, it was the Now.

The Never Was of it all was having the family gather at his bedside as he passed, tears being shed, love outpouring from every one of us to strengthen the rest of us.

No.

None of us really wept the day my father died. I will pass that as shock, but he has been gone twenty-two years now and I still have yet to shed a single tear over it because, well, he wasn’t a nice and good and awesome dad like we made sure everyone thought he was. Even after his death, my siblings keep up the charade of the Father Of The year, I refuse to expend energy on a lie that vast.

I’ve derailed here, haven’t I?

Oh yeah, Bro…

In Which I Start Out Good, Then Slowly Devolve In The Madness Of The Now.

Panic

It is currently a little after 9, maybe 9:30. I have been up since a little after 5. I don’t have a problem getting up that early, what I have a problem with is getting up that early and already feeling exhausted for the day.

I know a lot of it is because I have time-released medication and it is designed for me to be asleep longer than I sleep, so I’m still hitting the tail end of the dosage when I wake up, and I understand that and there’s Jack all I can do about that because the medication is what medication is.

another reason I don’t mind is that I don’t exactly have a busy schedule these days. If I go outside in a given day it’s kind of a wow factor moment for me. I just ordered some things off of Amazon that will help me go out more often, which means I essentially needed a decent pair of shoes, and I’ll least get to go out for walks during the summer because I don’t know what it is, but I am a fat guy who really, really likes to walk. My big on hills, but where I live, it’s mostly flat, and the hills that do exist don’t exactly ramp up in elevation by any significant amount.

now the things are opening back up, I am more terrified than ever then one of us is going to get sick because some idiot who was feeling sick decided that since Best Buy is open all the time now that they might as well get in there and buy the same thing they could have got off of Amazon, or any local electronics store, cheaper.

so I’m going to wait for the people in my life that are far smarter than I am to let me know when it is safe to go outside, and when certain measures can be reduced more than others, and all the various and sundry that goes with that.

I want to say that I’m going to try to get something creative written today, but I know as soon as I’m done with this, I’m going to post it, make myself a huge cup of coffee, and then lie in front of my computer with that feeling of existential dread and ennui and just zone for the rest of the day into weird combinations of cooking videos, sports highlights, and people playing Rimworld.

I’m the only person down here, which I’m kind of a fan of right now, because I’m not in a people mood, but I know they’re here. I know they’re in the house, that whole fear of being alone thing doesn’t kick in and I can just enjoy the quiet without panicking about the alone. Weird, but it’s how I roll.

I wish I could say there was anything else that was on my mind that was of import to talk about, but there isn’t. As I’ve been talking about with a very delightful person, I have these little conversations going on in my mind about things that have to get done with certain things, how to store things how to move things, but even as I speak those decisions of kind of already been made for me and some cases, and the other ones are as easy as a trash bag. If I go out today, which I highly doubt I will, it’ll be purely to pick up a prescription and I’m still waiting for.

you know what’s funny I used to keep my kids home because I was worried about what would happen to them. I was worried that they would go to school and get shot, or get sick, or a thousand other things that happen in public and private schools all over the country.

you know what, I still will keep them fucking home because I’m still terrified of what happens in public schools. I’m still justifiably afraid of sending my eldest son, a person of color, outside to catch a bus when I know that if the wrong cop drives by at the wrong time that’s all that it takes. I’m terrified to send my two younger children, children with severe developmental disabilities, to school because there are some horrible people in the world to just see schools like the ones they go to as prime targets to get the most points with whoever they’re killing people for.

So that delightful thought, I think I’m going to end this and go do some of that internet thing I was just talking about.

just remember that all we have to do is be kind to one another, and that solves a lot of problems. Not all of them, we still have to get rid of things like institutionalized racism and the gender pay gap, and a thousand, million other things, but kindness goes a very long way.

breathe deep, wear your mask, wash your fucking hands, and until next time, I bid you peace.

Very Daft Punk Really

Daft Punk

They call it retail therapy. It is a pretty self-explanatory thing actually, you buy things, get a rush, stabilize your mood, all of the good things.

Now, I normally don’t drop as much as I did yesterday but to see Brett having fun with it all is all that matters. What, you thought you had to buy a thing for yourself in order to feel better?

Giving is, and what has always, and what will always, make me feel like the most complete human being I can possibly be in every way. So if I can buy my sons a thing that will make them go all giddy with little kid laughter, then that is as soothing as if I had received the gift myself. Yes, it is an expensive way to feel better, but the efficacy of it simply cannot be denied in any way.

It isn’t all about self-observation, delving into the very center of your being, and being more aware of the self. Sometimes it is looking at your seventeen looking idiotically happy as he tries to not throw up experiencing VR for the first time.

So, as I sit here and listen to the Machines Get Raged Against, I will smile and now that all of it is worth it because if my children are happy, then there is nothing more I can do to take that step forward for the day that I have to take.