I took some time this morning long before the sun came up and I smiled at the world and found ways it smiled back at me. It was an easy enough thing to see the wonderful things around me because be it temporary or permanent, my outlook has changed in that I do not go and hunt the negative things, it is not the first thing I gravitate to any longer, it is not, forgive the reference, the albatross about my neck dragging me down.
Fairly confident I can keep this mental conditioning for a bit, I need to work on another thing that I have a gigantic problem with, and that is getting out of the house. It was agoraphobia, or some milder version of the same malady, at first, but lately, it is this complete feeling of ennui, this weakness, that comes with the thought of leaving the house and I am not quite sure where that comes from. I have some ideas, but I am no closer now than I have been in months. Yes, I know money is a thing I do not have a lot of so I can’t do all the things all of the time, but even I can afford to do some of the things some of the time. There is no reason for me to say no over and over again other than a block inside of me that I am desperately trying to pull away. I miss my people so very much and I have no idea how to get from where I am to them just right now because that bridge in the middle is apparently on fire.
Maybe I can start small and take walks, work my way outward a bit? Maybe I can try and find a therapist who will see me and get it sorted out that way? I will look into all available options because the worst part is that the part of my brain that is in this wonderful mood is also the part of the brain that wants to see my friends and kiss their cheeks and lift them up in the air and spin them around until they squeak and have a beer or fifteen and get on with the night in the best possible ways I can do that thing.
Now, in other news, or news I already said but now I am going to elaborate on.
I’m going to shave my head. It’s not a maybe anymore, it is a thing I am going to do and I have even set a tentative date to do the thing. Terry, one of the smartest men I have ever known, has been telling me for years that sometimes you need to do a thing you can look at in the mirror and see every day. A tangible thing, a thing that you know you did and not something you a spite to do or simply talk about.
This November would have been fifteen years for Naomi and I. The number in and of itself is not particularly significant, the anniversary is though. That ate is the timeline I have in my head to do the thing. I think it will be a point in which I can look back at and say that it was the beginning of a thing, just as it was the beginning of so many years of wonderful happiness for Naomi and me.
Now, I am not stupid, there is a reason I have no given myself a haircut since the Great Scissor Incident of 1987. I plan to have someone very important to me do it and who I trust. I won’t lie, part of me wants to see how bald I am getting without all the extra hair masking everything. Will I look good? I am not concerned about that to tell you the truth. This is about looking like some awesome person, it is about changing me in the ways I need to change me to become more of myself than I have been in a very long time. So just before Thanksgiving, look out for the Bald and Bearded Bear in your neck of the woods.