If You Know, Well, I Love You and I Am Sorry

Jamey, Jamey, Jamey…

You know there is something in the wind, don’t you? You can smell it if you take a second and put down the weight of your crippling self-hatred and self-pity. There is a change coming and you need to make sure that it is the one that is be3st for you, not the one that is best for everyone around you and yet you are stuck in the past while everyone else moves forward…again. You give them the shirt off your back, yay for you, notice how many of your fucking shirts they have now? The best of them wash them, fold them, and hand them back to you with a hug and a smile. The worst of them rip them to shreds and feed the ends through bottles for wicks of the firebombs they attack you with.

The pandemic. Yes, yes the pandemic. Yes, it is a horrible thing being managed by horrible people that has resulted in tens of thousands, soon to be hundreds of thousands, of people dying in this “land of the…” whatever we are now. You’re not the violent overthrow of the government kind of guy. They have a few details about you that prove that remember? Yes, now you do. You’re more of the launch of the subversive website from your living room and encouraging kind of a guy. That is wrong that is not going to get talked about now, however.

Yes love, I know it hurts more than it used to. I know that it is a maddening thing and if I could take it away I swear I would. There is nothing “character building” about any of this and I hope you will keep those appointments that you made when this thing gets to a reasonable level of chaos. They may not be able to fix you the way you want, but they may be able to make you get to a place where you can fix yourself the ways you want.

You are listening to songs that remind you of beautiful women. I applaud you are doing this with none of that “what if” mojo that burns so incredibly strongly inside of you. No, this is just music, and occasionally a face flashes across your heart and you smile and keep listening to the song.

A demon you had been meaning to give a hug to for a very long time has been taken care of and once again you can smile when you think on simple things.

Hai person reading this.

Most people look in the mirror and do the positive self-talk thing, or maybe they don’t need it and for that I am happy.

If I write it down it is a record that at least for these exact moments, I felt good in the ways I have listed here. It doesn’t mean I am “okay” it means that at the moment, for these things here, I am, not not okay. I am clinically depressed, my anxiety is at a near all-time high and I am pretty sure there are some disassociation issues that I desperately need to talk to a psychiatrist about at the soonest possible opportunity.

There are things to be glad for however, not all is sorrow. My Elder Duck is going to end this year with a damn near 100% average in everything across the board, including the arch-nemesis that is the English language. My Connorface smiles brighter every day and my little guy can learn more in an afternoon than I did in my teenage years.

So no, not all darkness, just a lot of patchiness.

What is that is the Persian Sufi poets said?

This to shall pass?

Yep, The Other One, and Thoughts Besides

He would have been 74 today.

No one I talk to outside of blood at this point in my life ever knew, or even met my father. There are a few people out there in the aether that knew and even loved him, and I wish them the best in their journeys in life. Some times people simply fall away from one another because life happens and while it is sad sometimes, it is the way it needs to be for change to happen and for growth to occur, or some shit like that anyway.

That is the extent on the conversation on my father, I will not go to that well over and over knowing that the water is poison, so I will l let it sit there and fester, away from me this time instead of buried deep.

I have been pretty quiet lately, I have wanted to say so many things about so many things, but my brain seems to want to do things contrary to what I seem to want to do. I have a few moments of clarity so I will at least write down a few thoughts and expound upon them when I think I can as opposed to just writing half-ass shit.

In regards to the recent legislation stripping women of their reproductive rights and bodily autonomy:

Firstly, and I think this is the root of the matter, I am a male-bodied person and can and will never understand the vastly complex issues that female-bodied persons go through each and every day. Also, as a male-bodied person, I have no right to decide, in any capacity, what female-bodied persons should do and should not do with their bodies. I will stand with the female-bodied people I know and fight with them to regain the rights that theynever should have lost in the first place. I will not “mansplain”, assume I know what is better, lock them out of any discussions or any other kind of toxic exclusionary behaviors that denigrate and degrade their place as the foundation and pillar of society.

Added on to this, I will check to make sure that I watch what the fuck comes out of my mouth so that I as an individual do not do anything to abuse, assault, waylay, injure or remove their importance and stature in the construct of my day to day life. I will fail occasionally and when I do I will apologize yes, but more importantly, I will learn from my bad behaviors and make positive change so that I can show that I am indeed trying to make strides to be a better human being in all the ways I can be.

I have a great deal of anger in regards to this and I sincerely hope that I can communicate my thoughts effectively and try not to be in the spotlight as opposed to supporting those who are in it.

In regards to politics in general:

I will happily debate you in any and all topics of conversation and hopefully, come to a meeting of the mids with you if you follow a simple rule.

Denounce the fascist in the White House publicly.

I am not asking you to vote Democrat, to put bumper stickers on your car, to do anything at all other than say that the person we have as the leader of our country is unfit to lead. If we can agree on that I can guarantee we can make inroads on other subjects as well.

In regards to those who suffer from mental health issues, myself included:

Know I love you, each and every one of you. I have not lived your story, even if we may have some pages that overlap in the chapters. I love you because I too understand what it is like to be demeaned and accosted for things that are sometimes beyond our control, and sometimes are. I will support you in every conceivable way I possibly can and if you do not desire my help, for whatever reason, I will respect your reasons and continue to root from the sidelines.

In regards to those who feel the need to be hateful towards those with mental health issues:

I will not say hateful things to you I will simply tell you that you are wrong. I will try to educate you as to why you are wrong and then, if it gets to a point where I know that you refuse to listen to the truth of science and centuries of learning on the subject, I will wish you well in your life and I will cease communication with you. I am toxic enough for myself, I do not need any help in the matter, thank you.

Lastly, and by no means least:

I have come to a number of crossroads in my life lately and I am so very happy that some of you have been with me in the darkest of the moments that I have walked. You have stopped me from breaking very important promises and if you understand how important that is, then you understand almost everything else.

All my love to all of you,

I will be back soon,
Bear