The Mind Of An Introvert In Consensual, Non-Consensual, Social Isolation – Day The Wednesday

So, when I am in a position where I am forced to think even more than I normally do, such as being in the same room for forty and fifty hours at a time, I try to think of things I can say to people who are, in this case at least, in a similar situation, to see if I can help their brains as they are all so very good at helping me every single time I ask, which is so very often.

I try to think of ways to tell them how they are appreciated and how I value them in all the ways I do. Except, in my head at least, it all gets to be this repetitive, trite-sounding, mealy-mouthed words that I say over and over again. Which, as you can imagine, does nothing for the airplane taking off in my head demanding to fix the problem that I am having and say the things I need to say to make the feelings feel the way the feelings should feel and all of that.

So then I try to over-explain what I feel to these people and it ends up this gigantic clusterfuck of nothing and everything and whatever message I was originally trying for is so hopelessly lost in the barrage of bullshit being projected from my mouth that I need to just stop and waddle, humiliated, over to my dark corner of the world.

So, instead, I am going to just vomit all of this up and hopefully, you can sift through the detritus, flotsam, and jetsam of it all and see if any of it applies to you.

I know I have been a live nerve for the last few months. I know I have been annoying and moodier than even I normally am and this raging ball of bullshit, but it is who I am. All of y’all taught me not to apologize for being me so I won’t do that. I do want to say that I know that I have said some fucked up things to some of you and I am so very sorry for doing that.

I want to tell you that there is no way I could have survived, at least mentally, this COVID-19 thing without the help of the awesome science humans I know who sat me down and very carefully explained to me why some of my fears were misplaced and, yes, why some of them were in fact very real. It allowed me to get prepared in a good way and not panic and buy 37 cases of toilet paper and no food. These people helped me make sure my babies were safe and taken care of from this thing in the ways that they needed to be.

I want to tell my best friend that I think that she is a goddamn superhero who puts up with my shit way more than any other living thing in the world combined. I do not deserve her in my life in the slightest and the fact that she can somehow make the entirety of the world stop spinning so I can do a simple thing like laugh means more to me than I can easily express without, well, doing things like this.

My friends whom I text at the ungodly times of the morning, the friends with kids who still take the time to make sure I am OK, the friends whose lives are just as chaotic, if not more so, than mine is. The heroes that still go to work outside their home in this, the champions that are working from home still. The mothers and sisters, brothers and nieces that have adopted me just as much as I have adopted them.

People who I have known forever and people I am only now getting to truly know, you have shown compassion to me and mine and while I will never believe I deserve it, I appreciate it more than you can ever possibly fathom.

Thank you for being the net I fall into every time the world gets to be chaos and I can’t accept that.


The Mind Of An Introvert In Consensual, Non-Consensual, Social Isolation – Day The Tuesday

I had to go out today. Well, I mean, I didn’t but I did. I went to CVS with Terry to get prescriptions and while I was there I might have bought $40 worth of candy, that I then totally wiped down and sterilized as soon as I got home, then repeated the procedure on myself.

After this, if there is an after this, if I ever see a goddamn baby wipe that isn’t being used to wipe a fucking baby I am going to make it scream in pain like the ashen palms of my hands are screaming as we speak.

A weird sentence I know.

You will note the longer I am in the same house with my children I will become more and more prolific in my writing until a point where I cannot promise that food and water will be as important to me as the tactile orgasm of this little wireless keyboard I have sitting on top of the dead keyboard on this busted ass laptop.

I love my children and them being home is not the issue, not at all. Shit, if you know me at all you know I keep[ my Ducks home too much rather than the other way around. No, the issue is that it is all forced like this.

Now I am not saying we should leave the house, because fuck and that, #StayTheFuckHome.

No, I agree with all of the restrictions if it keeps my Ducks even the most minute amount safer during all of this. Yes, it is inconvenient and annoying to everyone. Yes, I know we are in an economic tailspin, but how are we supposed to be not those things if enough of us get this thing where it is 30, 40, 50 percent unemployment for two decades until the age gap closes again?

I am drinking too much coffee, emotionally eating way too much food and going to bed too late and not getting a lick of sleep until way too early in the morning. It makes for long days, trying days, annoying days.

However, I, like many of you, know someone who has to work in all of this chaos. I know nurses who I cannot imagine are anything short of both terrified and fucking superheroes. Mothers who are so scared they are brave, fathers who are trying everything they can to assuage fears they feel just as strongly.

It can always get fucking worse.

Or, if you are of a slightly Jesus tilt, just remember the old adage. “There but for the Grace of God, go I.” Savor the sweet moments, be strong through the roughest waves, be kind and compassionate to those who do not have the ability to sit at home and work and, most importantly.

Remember this was, at least in part, avoidable and get your ass out to the polls in November, even if you do have to be six feet apart still.

The Mind Of An Introvert In Consensual, Non-Consensual, Social Isolation – Day The Monday

Monday, right?

I am pretty sure it is Monday because I had to wake the Elder Duck up so he could do the remote school thing and be the smart one in the family and go on to do great things, most likely in Astrophysics, at least that is the interest at the moment. I am so proud of him. All AP classes next year, that is including the extra one he actually asked to be in. I am not stupid, but that boy will always put me to shame. I think that is the right way though, the next generation smarter than the last, trying to solve the problems the generations before caused, making their own mistakes for their successors to solve and so on.

Today it is List25 day on YouTube. I mean, it is better than the Super Mario Maker he was watching and a lot more interesting, to him, than the blacksmithing videos I have been hooked on the last few days. I think it was a bad idea to start the day with torture devices, but hey, we all make mistakes right? He loves them and, more importantly, it keeps him enthralled for hours at a time, a thing that is more important now than ever. I will take him outside later if it stops raining, social distancing does not mean stay in your house, just a walk, even if it is around the backyard, let the kid feel the wind on his face for a few minutes if nothing else. I should do the same thing with Connorface, hell it would be easier with his wheelchair anyway actually.

I am going to do this today. Write a blog post, then a story thing, then maybe rinse and repeat. I want to get some things out of my head anyway.

That brings me to a thing.

I love all of you who are concerned about me. I do. I am not a self-harm guy, not anymore. I can promise all sorts of things and I know the score on that. I will just assure you the best way I can that I am simply overtired of a lot of things and I will adjust, I always have and I always will. I don’t handle rapid change particularly well and given the ever-evolving situation we are in presently, I think a little panic and worry is normal if not particularly desirable. I am taking all of the medications I am supposed to, I am eating and drinking and doing as much self-care as I can when I have the Ducks to worry about twenty-four hours a day. I am not critiquing people for their worry, I am just trying to tell you that I am, while not fine, not in that much of the Dark as some of you think I am and if I do get to that place I know what I need to do to get myself out by myself, or, in the worst case, who to call if I cannot.

Now I am going to sit here and listen to War Child by Hollywood Undead, get my brain in storytime mode for a little later. Maybe have another cup of coffee, a little bit of food and see where the day takes me in its ever-spiraling complexity.

I love you all, I do.


One By One The Dominoes Are Toppling Down, Cascading Chaos Into The Unknown

I am in a mood this morning. I don’t know what that mood is just yet, I just feel off. I am not mad or sad, which I suppose one has to chalk up to good news, but neither am I happy or joyous. I didn’t get a great deal of sleep last night and what I did get was populated with the damn airplanes that I can’t control when I am awake. Swirling over my head, between my legs, and every other place one can fit a plane or an innuendo.

It is obvious as to why just look at the world burning and you will see precisely why I feel off. The president is somehow an even more blatant racist than he has been in the past, the vice-president wants to pray the disease that is killing people away and all the rest of the government is toppling like dominoes set up by a very angry three year old who can’t quite figure out that sometimes shit needs to be standing to work the best.

I am sitting here with my Ducks though. All three unscathed, as are Terry and myself and at the end of the day I suppose that is what counts when you want to add everything up isn’t it? I won’t tell jokes about introverts and social distancing, but let’s just say this isn’t particularly hard for me to do by a long shot. I finally am using my Netflix subscription to its full potential and I remembered that I haven’t watched anything off of the Disney+ subscription I pay for. So maybe I will binge early eighties Disney movies and find out how many subliminal messages I can find without including ones I have already seen.

Reading has been happening more that it has been in quite some time and it gives me a measure of peace to break open a book, with paper and a spine, and smell that glorious mixture of all the things that make it up. I am going to start Dune tonight I think, mostly because when most people are depressed they read books on far-future philosophy and religious dogma, right? Then The Count Of Monte Cristo. I have loved it since I was as wee a bear as I ever was and it demands to be read from time to time, yes, even the huge chunks about French Revolution geopolitical theory.

Today I will write something new in the story department, I haven’t figure out what yet, but that is half the fun. It isn’t like I don’t have even more time than I normally do to do the things, right? Probably a one-off about something, or at least I will call it that and then figure out how to make a three dozen part series I will never finish.

For now, though, I am going to sit with my coffee, smile at my Ducks playing and contemplate the vastness of the Universe without particularly focusing on the microcosm of the present.


Stay The Fuck Home

It is the first day out of what most likely be a great many with my Ducks home from school. I could say they are getting on my nerves because of course, they are, but I can also guarantee that they would say that I am getting on theirs. This is a new thing we are all trying to squeeze ourselves into and it will be a while before the growing pains settle down a bit and we can all relax and get into a rhythm.

Elder Duck has remote school starting tomorrow morning, so that will help as he will essentially be gone for the entire time he normally would be, just upstairs instead of at school. I am sure there will be massive hiccups there too, but again, as long as we wait it out, the pain will stop and we will get to be where we want to be.

I, as I am sure you, have seen all of the memes telling the world that Introverts have been training for this since birth and, not gonna lie, some of them are funny as hell. I despise leaving my house when I don’t have to, but the one time someone tells me I shouldn’t leave my house is when my legs get itchy for somewhere to do and something to do.

Social Distancing, which I am sure will be a very hated word by a great many for years to come, is the only way that we can make sure the peak infections are spread out over a longer period. Yes, I am fortunate enough to know a wonderful scientist who did graduate work in Virology and I actually know that little thing as a fact, but think about it logically for a second and it is very easy to understand.

Everyone is out by toilet paper, toilet paper is gone, people go without.

Now simply apply that scenario to ICU beds, or respirators or any other medical equipment and you see that there is a significant issue in the world today and by literally doing nothing, staying home when we are able and maintaining distance, we are helping t make sure that the medical system can last for longer than the toilet paper did.

It isn’t precisely rocket science people.